Setting Boundaries

"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.  A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves.  That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us."


In my personal and professional life I and others struggle with when to set boundaries with others.  When is it a time to be more flexible, and when to be more rigid?  Its a line that can be difficult to negotiate. 

As children we all needed firm boundaries to understand about the world and what is appropriate and expected from us.  As we get older we internalize these boundaries that were established by our families and our culture and hopefully we have some ideas of where we end and other begin and who we want to be as a person.  

Those of us who are parents, probably see this with our children as they get older.  Some of our kids needed firmer boundaries because they were often testing the limits, others accept the boundaries established quite easily.  Neither is right  or wrong, but both call for a different style of parenting from us.  With children who have not learned good boundaries we do not want the following cartoon to happen when they are adults: 

As adults we can struggle with what behavior is acceptable and when is it time to establish a boundary.  If we have strong ego strength, we know where others end and we begin, and we know when our boundaries are being violated (usually we feel irritated or angry).  For example, your sister offers to have you make a dish for a potluck without consulting you, some of us will feel irritated and angry that we were not consulted and we may need to set a boundary; or someone at work consistently drops extra work in your lap.

As we get older I think being more flexible with others is often the first best approach.  Except with teens and young adults (depends upon where they are in their development) or with people who easily violate your boundaries (then you need to be more firm).  For example, if my husband is struggling emotionally and not carrying his load of house chores, I can let him be for a while as he works through it, and not have to set firm boundaries of what each of us must do in the house.  Because my husband almost always pulls his share and then some.   But if my husband was one to take advantage of me on a regular basis, this would not be OK, then my lesson is to establish more boundaries.  

When to be flexible with boundaries and when to be firm is an inward process that takes some honest reflecting on the nature of our relationships.

Boundary setting is a life long process and is one of the ways we take good care of ourselves. 

Deb Graf LPC is offering a workshop on boundaries.  Email deb@kettlemorainecounseling.com


“No" is a complete sentence.” 
― Anne Lamott