Mindful Living

How can our wounds be gifts? They sure don't feel like gifts when we are in the midst of the great pain, but with time, and looking deeply, we can find the jewel in the wound. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. He was addicted at a young age and it was a lifelong, intense addiction that ended up hastening his death at the age of 69. It was a difficult childhood, yet also a good one in many ways. I had nature and a close knit family that provided stability and a feeling of belonging. Today I see the gifts in being my father's daughter- in a way I could not see when I was younger. He died when I was at the young age of 23, so I have had 20 years of being without a father, and I see things differently now. The gifts of my father's addiction that I carry with me are as a therapist, I have great compassion with others who face addiction- I know that they have not "chosen" to be addicted- it is a very sad way to live, and people who are addicts are ...

By looking at what things get you upset and angry you can identify what your wounds are. For example, in my early years of marriage, I would have a "temper tantrum" if I thought my husband was spending too much time with his family. I had abandonment issues and these feelings would get triggered by this situation. One way to know that an old wound is getting triggered is by the intensity of the response- obviously my response was over the top for the situation, other emotions were being called up or my response would have been in proportion to the situation. When we have a super strong reaction to a seemingly small situation, an old wound is getting triggered. We are all wounded. We all get triggered. It's good to try and know what our wounds are so that our wounds do not dictate our life. When we are unaware of them consciously, we act them out unconsciously (my temper tantrums over my husband spending time with his family). One common theme for wounds, is that ...

What is self esteem? It seems like a not so well defined word that we use a lot in daily life. I see many people who think they do not have high self esteem, and it always takes some digging to find out what that means to them. How I define self esteem is this sturdiness inside and a love for ourselves on a deep level, even with our imperfections. It's the sense that we know we are OK. The most beautiful part of knowing that we are OK is that others are OK then too- and that is very powerful for relationships and healing. Self esteem is not thinking that we are all that, or that we are better than others, but also, we are not worse than others either. Most of the time when people come off as arrogant or act like they are very special, it's a false sense of importance in order to hide wounds and feelings of inadequacies. People with high self esteem are able to admit when they are wrong because it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with them . People with good self e...

Being cracked open like an egg, is painful. It seems we get cracked open when great pain or a great challenge comes our way. It sure doesn’t feel good, at least at first, but often it is life’s way of deepening us and opening us up to new experiences that we may have been closed off too. In my own life I had cracks and fissures start to form when I started having children and felt the deepest love, but also the deepest fear, and my walls started to crumble. I could do longer hide behind “having the answers” and thinking I was right about things. I knew I would fail my children in some ways- I couldn’t be the all perfect mother. The world seemed more frightening and dangerous. I was “cracked open” by my love for them, and became a much wiser, understanding person than I was before children. I had a client who got cracked open by a love affair a few years ago. She had shut herself off from love because she did not think she was worthy enough, but then love found her, and her life c...

"I built a wall and I don't know how to take it down". So many of us protect ourselves by putting walls up from our loved ones, and then we feel disconnected, unloved, no spark, and lonely. I understand walls well because I have built my fair share of them. And I know the walls keep us separated from others, and it can be so hard to trust so that our walls can come down. But in order to be close, the wall has to be penetrated. First off you must trust in yourself enough to know you can handle the wall coming down (at least part way). You must trust that you will be able to care for yourself without the wall. And know that most people do not intentionally hurt us. We are all wounded, and we trigger each other's wounds when we are in a close relationship. Acknowledge your wounding and talk about it, maybe not with your partner, but with someone else who can listen and validate the feelings. Journal it, sing it, draw it-anything that allows you to express the hur...

I have my fair amount of fears, both rational to the irrational. Some of my more rational fears are: afraid something bad will happen to my children, death, heights, and rodents (OK, maybe rodents is irrational!). I am afraid of snapping turtles (never have encountered one), the world running out of oil, ghosts, and I can be a bit of a hypochondriac. Most of us have some fears, and many of us fear similar things, particularly harm to a loved one. And I also find so many of us are afraid to show who they are and to be truly intimate in a relationship. We hide aspects of ourselves for fear of rejection. We put up walls to keep people out. We think this will protect us, but the truth is, it only keeps us lonely. We are scared because we have been hurt before, and we say we will not be hurt again. We won't trust until we know for sure we won't be hurt. But the truth is, we will get hurt again and again and again. Maybe not intentionally, but relationships involve two people who bot...