Mindful Living

We have been here for 13 days now, and my homesickness is not as strong now that the kids are here! There are many differences between how we live and how the Italians live; some good and some bad depending on your point of view Everyone is thin here! And their clothes sizing is much smaller than ours- Lara wears a medium in the US but she is an XL here- something she wasn't very happy about! I asked some locals why everyone is so thin, and the two answers I got was that the food is much more natural and the portion sizes are smaller. I didn't see any "gyms" like we have all over our town; they don't make a point to work out, but walk everywhere. Most everywhere we eat, the food is local, so given that it is winter- there was a lot of cabbage in the food we were served. I liked eating locally grown food, but I missed my "american" food after a week! There aren't any "Walmarts"; people shop at the local small merchants- the butcher, bakery a

We are in Italy celebrating our 20 year anniversary. We were young when we got married and we had many ups and downs. I really like being married to Steve, and because we grew and changed together, we adapted to what each of us needs in a partner. He takes very good care of me and supports me in all things that I want to do; he is protective and always has my back. I like to think that I have given him stability, challenged him to grow, and adventure- I can get bored easily and need to keep life interesting! Steve helped heal all my insecurities that I carried with me for such a long time, and that is truly one of the biggest gifts ever. So when I see clients' insecurities, I have much compassion- it is so painful to feel like we are not good enough in some ways, or in all ways. Not that insecurities are gone forever, but they can be greatly lessened and more in the background of our lives, not the forefront. Being in Italy together has been a great experience. Steve practiced Ital

Our anger is an important emotion for our health, and because few of us have had good role models on dealing with our anger, we may have coping mechanisms that may not be the healthiest. When I was younger, I externalized a lot of my anger; I yelled easily, would interpret events as "unjust", and would be "pissed off" often. Now I internalize my anger more, which is probably a better balance for me. I think about why I am angry and can ruminate, but I probably don't express it as I could to the person/situaton that I am upset about. Anger is natural and can be a healthy emotion! There is no escaping or hiding from anger, so it's best that you make friends with it. Come to some understanding of what situations cause you to feel angry, figure out how to recognize your anger, and also decide what responses to anger you will feel best about. Deciding what situations make you feel the most angry. There is usually a theme behind them all. Such as, I am be

Kettle Moraine Counseling December 2011 Newsletter Happy Holidays! Take time to appreciated your loved ones and count the blessings in your life. I see a lot of couples for counseling, and I see what chronic loneliness can do to us. When we don’t feel connected to others, whether it is our significant other, friends or family, we feel lonely. We need people! And we need closeness in order to feel the “best”. Nurture those relationships- they are the most important thing in our lives. My own family will be spending the holiday in Italy to celebrate 20 years of marriage. If you check in with my blog, there will be more on this (anniversary and trip) in the upcoming weeks. Julianne wrote an article in this issue to follow up on “family rituals”. Enjoy! Be gentle with yourself and others. See you next year! Devona Marshall Clinic Director ___________________________________________________________ Taking care of yourself during the holidays…… Holiday are an opportunity to connect, to refl

So often we spend most of our time focusing on what is going wrong in our lives, instead of looking at what is going good. I am as guilty of this as anyone! Since Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, today is the day I focus on what is going right in my life. This past year, my son has had a few surgeries- knee and appendix. He has recovered, and I am thankful for the good insurance my husband's work gives us, so that we can get high quality heath care. Overall my immediate family is healthy, and even our new dog,Jordyn, who had major surgery herself last year, is healthy. Jordyn has been a huge blessing to our family, all of us love to spend time with her, and she is a great companion. She goes with Lara on Taco Bell runs, and playing outside with Zach is her favorite thing to do. Having her in our lives has enhanced our family in so many ways. My job is awesome. I truly love what I do, I love connecting with clients and helping them through their pain and life challenges. And the

Bluebeard: Internal and External Predators One of the favorite stories that I recommend to people (especially women) is the story of Bluebeard. Essentially it goes like this: a man comes courting to some sisters, the youngest decides to marry him even though something seems “off”. She ignores her instincts, and runs off with him. Turns out that his plan was to kill her all along, but she finds this out before it is too late, and calls in help to save her. The message in the story is to trust your instincts, do not allow the predator to kill off some part of you: whether it’s your values, your creativity, your dreams, etc. As a young woman I encountered many Bluebeards; primarily men that I should have stayed away from. They were slick talkers and wanted (or demanded) more from me than I had to give. I would talk myself into that they were really OK, misunderstood, had a bad childhood, just need a break, etc. All lies I told myself in order to override my gut. I had some unmet and unawa

I have previously written about those of us who turn our anger inward, and now I write about those who externalize their anger, and this can be done in healthy and not so healthy ways. People who turn their anger outward often yell, explode, have a temper tantrum and in the moment do not care how their actions are harming the relationship. A healthy way of externalizing our anger is to confront the person/situation that we are upset about, share how we feel in a respectful manner, and also take feedback from the other. With people turning the argument into a win-win ending takes a lot of emotionally intelligence, but mostly is what is best for the relationship. Win-lose arguments mostly harm our relationships. Using the Myers Briggs Typology, those who are Thinkers often do not have difficulty externalizing their anger, and they often don't take criticism personally, so arguments do not effect emotionally in the way it does a Feeler. Externalizing our anger toward oppression, discr

So many of us try our best to avoid conflict of any kind- often at great expense to ourselves and our relationships. We haven't learned how to express our anger, we have been told we have "no right" to feel angry, or the adults around us showed us how to express anger in not so healthy ways- exploding, keeping it all in, or being passive- aggressive. Anger turned inwards may also result in a lack of appropriate assertiveness, stress, low mood or self-harm As far as Myers Briggs Personality Type, those of us who are "feelers" tend to have a very difficult time with conflict and expressing or even recognizing our anger. I am a feeler so I understand this well! As feelers our relationships are very important and having them be calm is when we feel the best. So when feelers have conflict in relationships, they get all tangled up inside- fret, worry, ruminate, etc. We don't like feeling like that, so we avoid conflict and speaking up, which often then we turn our

Newsletter November 2011 Kettle Moraine Counseling Clinic News : We are sad to announce that Bill Driscoll and Anne Warren are both leaving us, and we wish them the best of luck in the future! Tricia Schutz is doing a talk on children and trauma at the Family Center, website address http://www.wcfamilycenter.org/ for more information. Tammy Ricke and Lester Menke are both up and running and seeing adults and couples. Some of the clinics’ specialities include art therapy with children/adolescents/adults, attachment therapy, and couples work. We take most insurance including Medicaid and Badgercare, and offer flexible appointments. Referrals can come in by calling the clinic or by emailing, and we can check your insurance benefits before the appointment. Contact Dorothy for insurance information: 262.388.9425 or Dorothy@kettlemorainecounseling.com. Thank you for considering us and also recommending our services! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I enjoyed reading

I am at our cabin in the Northwoods where the primary heat source is a wood stove. Since I am here alone, it is my job to keep the fire going, which is usually my husbands job when he is here with me. The stove is small and doesn't hold large or long logs, which means we cannot go the whole night without getting up to add more wood. Due to frequent waking, it wasn't difficult for me last night to keep it going, but I am glad my husband will be here tonight to take over the fire keeping duties! What I like most about wood heat is that we are very conscious of what it takes to heat our cabin and it's our energy of cutting the wood, carrying it in, cleaning the stove, and keeping a watch that provides our heat. If we don't actively participate, there will not be any warmth! My fire tending, got me thinking about tending the fire in my relationships and also the fire of my creativity and the fire inside my body. In relationships, if we are not caring for our passion, the fi

I recommend the book Five Languages of Love to many of my clients, and for good reason- it helps us to understand ourselves and our partners "love" needs. Now some of the book is a little cheesy, but overall I think it's a wonderful tool for couples. The five love languages are: Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation. You can buy the book or also take the test online if you do a google search. The most important thing for us to understand is that we give to our significant other what we want to receive, and that may or may not fill up their love bucket! For instance, I would often write my husband love notes and poems and give them to him, but it didn't really "fill him up". He on the other hand is always doing something for me (Acts of Service) and although I enjoy it, what my first love language is Words of Affirmation (which my husband has never been real good with!, as I haven't been with Acts of Service!). So

As many of you know I will be married for 20 years this December, and what a 20 year journey it has been! I often write about the way I was in the early years of our marriage, and this is another one of "those posts". Looking back I easily see the control issues I had during the first 5 years of marriage. Because I am an anxious person, my control issues were often about trying to control life in order to keep my anxiety down. Well, it didn't really work at keeping my anxiety down and my controlling behavior put rifts between me and my husband. Besides trying to keep my anxiety down my controlling ways also got triggered when I felt insecure (an example is a previous post about fighting with my husband over his spending time with his family). Thank goodness I married a patient man who was very intuitive about my inner world and worked hard to help me feel safe and secure- because it worked! I still have moments of insecurity and controlling ways, but they are brief, and I

Any of us that have been together in a relationship for more than a few years, knows that our "in love" feelings will wax and wane over time. Those intense feelings we had when we first met will usually not be sustained at that level, and if we expect that from our relationships, then we need to adjust our expectations. When we expect our relationship to always give us "butterflies" or feel intensely passionate, we WILL be disappointed. Can we have moments of that throughout our journey together? Absolutely! But it won't be a daily occurrence. The truth is that love changes over times. Often it gets deeper, more real, more accepting and less intense. In my own marriage I have become more secure, more accepting, more safe, but also more complacent. Being comfortable with each other is a good thing, but getting too comfortable can backfire and hasten boredom or dissatisfaction. When you find yourself getting bored or complacent, it's important to not get too &

October 2011 Newsletter Kettle Moraine Counseling From the director : We are happy to announce that Lester Menke MS TLPC is a new therapist at our clinic! He is seeing teens, adults and couples. Welcome Lester! Tammy Ricke is heading to the annual conference for Internal Family Systems, and Tricia Schutz did a presentation at the Family Center and children and trauma. I am noticing an increase in Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms in some clients already- the days are getting shorter, but it is beautiful outside, so spending time outdoors will help with the season change. Enjoy the fall colors and be gentle with yourself! Devona Marshall SELF-CARE TECHNIQUES FOR STRESS MANAGEMENT by Anne Warren TAKE BREAKS Throughout the day, take "mini-breaks" to reduce stress and fatigue. Sit down and get comfortable. Slowly take in a deep breath; hold it; and then exhale very slowly. At the same time, let your shoulder muscles droop, smile, and say something pos

I often write about compromise, understanding that ourselves and others have wounds, and being gentle with each other. And I do firmly believe in that-especially in close relationships, but there are times when we must "push back" at a situation, a person, a job, the culture,our internal critic, etc. For many of us this is very easy to do when we feel our children have been violated in some way- watch out then! But we do not often protect ourselves in the same ways we would our children. There are other predators out there though, some internal and some external who will tell you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, who make fun of your gifts and your desires, tell you that you make bad decisions and shouldn't trust yourself. When this happens, it is time to bare your teeth, growl and demand that they back off! Do not accept these things as truth! Look into your own heart to decide what is true or not. More often than not, others have their own agend

September 2011 Newsletter Kettle Moraine Counseling- The Back to School Issue Clinic News: We have had a lot of changes this past month! I am happy to announce that Kettle Moraine Counseling has a NEW office location in Cedarburg. We have a new therapist joining us, who has many years of experience in the field- JoEllyn Schultz - she will be working solely out of the Cedarburg office, and has a busy practice seeing adults and couples. The new office information will be added to the website shortly but the address is N62 W248 Washington Ave, Suite 203, in Cedarburg Square. All correspondence will still go to our West Bend location. Tammy Ricke , APSW has joined our team!! She comes with many years of experience in the mental health field and will be seeing adults. Her profile will be up on the website shortly. To set up an appointment with her, just call the clinic, or email tammy@kettlemorainecounseling.com. Welcome Tammy and JoEllyn . In other clinic news, Bill Driscoll

How can our wounds be gifts? They sure don't feel like gifts when we are in the midst of the great pain, but with time, and looking deeply, we can find the jewel in the wound. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. He was addicted at a young age and it was a lifelong, intense addiction that ended up hastening his death at the age of 69. It was a difficult childhood, yet also a good one in many ways. I had nature and a close knit family that provided stability and a feeling of belonging. Today I see the gifts in being my father's daughter- in a way I could not see when I was younger. He died when I was at the young age of 23, so I have had 20 years of being without a father, and I see things differently now. The gifts of my father's addiction that I carry with me are as a therapist, I have great compassion with others who face addiction- I know that they have not "chosen" to be addicted- it is a very sad way to live, and people who are addicts are

By looking at what things get you upset and angry you can identify what your wounds are. For example, in my early years of marriage, I would have a "temper tantrum" if I thought my husband was spending too much time with his family. I had abandonment issues and these feelings would get triggered by this situation. One way to know that an old wound is getting triggered is by the intensity of the response- obviously my response was over the top for the situation, other emotions were being called up or my response would have been in proportion to the situation. When we have a super strong reaction to a seemingly small situation, an old wound is getting triggered. We are all wounded. We all get triggered. It's good to try and know what our wounds are so that our wounds do not dictate our life. When we are unaware of them consciously, we act them out unconsciously (my temper tantrums over my husband spending time with his family). One common theme for wounds, is that

The state of the union is a term I use with my couples on the periodic assessment on how the relationship is doing. At the minimum of yearly - easy to remember to do on your anniversary, is to have a conversation of what each of you feel is going right, and what parts can use some time and attention. I see many people in my office, who have been blindsided, by their partner wanting to divorce or to end the partnership. Sometimes it's because of an emotional or physical affair, but often it is not. The connection got lost for one or both of them, and they never talked about it . When this goes on for many years, it can literally kill the relationship- the fire goes out completely. Now sometimes we are able to bring it back to life, and sometimes we are not. Catching the disconnect early makes it much easier to bring the connection back, by waiting years and years, maybe even decades, the work becomes much more difficult. If you are in a relationship, it is impera

I was not born into an educated family, or a wealthy family, or a successful family, yet somehow many of us have been bestowed with grit. Grit from Websters dictionary means "firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger". Although I am not sure that I have ever faced real danger, I certainly have had some hardships, though much less than some. As a child and teen I loved sports and would play all the time. I didn't really like the competition, but I liked the physicallness and the team work. When I was in high school, I blew out my knee before sophomore year and had to give up playing basketball, which I wasn't that sad about because high school sports felt intimidating to me. I went out for tennis instead and picked up the racket for the first time when I was almost 16. My skill was OK and I played the number 2 singles spot in our small high school, though my form was never proper and I was self-taught (our coach had neve

August 2011 Newsletter Kettle Moraine Counseling From the director: Summer is almost gone already and I feel like I have not made the most of it yet- I haven’t swam enough, looked at stars as often, grilled out as much etc. But I am determined to make the most of the next few weeks! We have Anne Warren starting to see clients on Saturdays. She is a counselor and an art therapist who sees children and adults. Welcome aboard Anne! In this issue Deb Graf has written a great article on Boundaries. Take care of yourself and your loved ones. Devona Marshall _______________________________________________________________ What’s Controlling Your Life? Life offers many stressors that we unfortunately have no control over. With ongoing accumulated stress, we may get down and feel life is controlling us; but is that really the truth? Let’s look at the word “boundaries.” Boundaries are invisible lines that show what our responsibility is and what is not. For example, a fence is a boundary that sho

I am a big advocate for in relationships to be gentle with each other. What I mean by that is by allowing the other to make mistakes, and not always turning into WW3. My husband is usually pretty good about cutting me slack and not expecting me to be perfect. For example, I recently yelled at him and the kids over the dog making a mess in the house. I was over the top with my irritation and I later apologized. He said he was OK (during my yelling he remained calm and didn't say much back) with it and knew that I was stressed over some personal situations which was causing my irritation to be higher. That's an example of cutting someone slack. He could have gone head to head with me and had a huge argument, but he remained calm and knew that this isn't usually how I behave, which also gave me the space to see that I wasn't treating him the way I want to treat him and I quickly apologized for my behavior. Sometimes we have bad days, we are crabby, hungry or just irritabl

My husband and I spent the past week at our cabin in the Northwoods, and I cannot recall a time feeling more relaxed and content. It was very different than going on a vacation somewhere, because then we are always on the move and feel like we have to fit everything in. This past week, we had naps almost everyday- and it felt great! We are highly compatible with each other (probably cause over the past 20 years we learned to adjust to the other’s quirks!). Our one fight was over fireworks, but who could blame me for starting the argument? I read a lot- Comfort me with Apples- very good memoir. And also the Friday Night Knitting Club- so so, seemed a little cheesy to me. My sister has brought to the cabin boxes of old Time magazines, and reading those are so much fun- first hand accounts of the Viet Nam war, Watergate and the ads are the Best! Consumer prices have gone down so much – who could afford a console music player for $500 in 1965? It’s a treat to read those old magazines, and

Clinic News : We got the AC fixed in part of our offices- Deb had been very patient in waiting for this to happen. The art therapy office is just about ready, and Angela is doing a good job of making it a calming, creative space. Read the note below from Tricia on her interest and training on Infant/Toddler mental health. Also I just got word that I got accepted for training with Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, mostly known for her book Women Who Run with the Wolves (awesome book on the psychology of women), and I am psyched to spend 6 days learning from her in August. Til next time, Enjoy the Summer! Devona Marshall From Tricia Schutz: Dear Readers, I am pleased to announce that I am expanding my counseling horizons! Currently, I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who provides counseling to school age children, adolescents, and adults. Not only will I continue to work with adults and adolescents, but I also will be extending my areas of interest to include infants, young children, and t

Graduation! My son is graduating from high school today, and it certainly feels like a rite of passage; letting go of childhood and entering into the adult world of student loans, voting, choosing a career, more freedom, etc. When I graduated high school I was so ready to leave it all behind me, but I struggled a lot the first few years after high school. In retrospect I see I may have been depressed or just struggling with the changes and being unsure of whom I was, what my talents were, and what I should do. There was a part of me that was afraid of what the future held and didn’t want to rush out to greet it. As a middle aged woman now I can see how it miraculously all worked out!- I feel that I took (or was lead) down the correct paths for me, but not without twists, rest stops and detours. It can be such an exciting time! But also so difficult! Who am I, what do I want, what’s expected of me? BIG questions for sure, but if we have the luxury to even ask those questions, we are for