Mindful Living

We are heading to Costa Rica as a family from April 1st to April 8th. 3 nights at the beach and then 2 nights in the mountains. Besides Tijuana (awful!) and Canada, this will be the kids first time out of the country. We have experienced a lot of personal and family challenges the past few months and I hope this trip helps us to reconnect and feel joy. In April my son and husband are having surgery. Decisions will need to be made about Lucky soon. But right now, all is OK. I have family members who have my back big time, and I get to show my husband and kids Costa Rica. One breath at a time, one day at a time. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Nightmares and frightening dreams Many of us have had nightmares or other scary dreams. It’s our unconscious’ way of getting our attention about an issue, and it wants to make sure we listen! Here are some ways to work with these dreams that are so frightening. 1. Many times all the characters in the dream are all aspects of ourselves, so whatever is frightening in the dream, could it be rage you are feeling and not addressing? A part of you that is no longer needed (the “too nice self”, a workaholic, chip on your shoulder)? Something may need to “die” symbolically, not literally and it is frightening to have any aspect of ourselves not be needed. 2. Do not be afraid of the “monster”, disaster, whatever that is frightening. In your mind or on paper ask that part of the dream what message/understanding it wants to tell you, and listen. If you can do this during the dream, great! Most of us can’t, including myself! 3. Write the dream down, but come back to it later because usually

We all dream. We may not remember out dreams but we do dream. Many of us are very interested in our dreams- wanting to talk about them, think about them, ask what do they mean? We seem to know that they are important and that they reveal something about us, but we can’t make sense of them. Keeping a dream journal can be a very good way of getting in touch with emotions, insight and intuition. Dreams can show us areas of strength and also areas inside us that need healing. With recurring dreams it is often a sign of some situation/emotion that needs your attention. For many years I repeatedly dreamt about an old boyfriend and getting rejected by him, and I always woke up feeling bad about myself. What I came to understand and look at was that I was rejecting a part of myself, and once I worked on self acceptance those dreams changed- no longer was I rejected in my dreams, and then I stopped having them all together. I had someone tell me a dream that pretty much summed up much

Do you have Anger Issues? 1. Has anyone close to you told you that you need help with your anger? 2. Have you thrown, punched or “wrecked” objects when you were angry? 3. Do you have a difficult time expressing your anger except when yelling? 4. Do “little things” trigger a strong emotional reaction from you? 5. Do you tend to “bottle things up” and not express when you are angry? Many of us express anger in 2 ways- by avoiding conflict and bottling things up or in “exploding” by yelling or throwing objects. Both ways of dealing with anger hurts us and our relationships. If you answered yes to one or more questions, you may benefit from counseling to help you learn why you get anger and how to express it in a way that cares for yourself and your relationships.

When do you know it’s time to put your animal down? Lucky is still alive and kicking, with renewed energy because of the steroids, but we all know he nearing the end of his life. At certain points the past 2 months we have had a few moments when we thought the end was at hand, and it hurt like heck. Then he would rebound for a while. I think we are all more resigned to the fact that it will not be much longer and I am so thankful for the fairly healthy time we are having with him. Like I have said before he has been a loyal companion for almost 13 years, and he is full of personality (and an anxiety disorder!). He is afraid of vacuums and loud noises. He follows me around everywhere, even the bathroom. He decided at age 10 that he likes swimming and proved to be a very good swimmer. He has been know to steal whatever food he can get his hands on, still digs in the garbage when we aren’t looking, and sings “happy birthday”. I will miss him terribly, but I am so thankful for

When Conversations Become Heated 1. Slow things down! Breathe! Breathing becomes shallow when we are upset-taking longer, deeper breaths calms the body and mind. Take 10 seconds to breathe. 2. If needed, take a Time Out, to compose yourself. An hour is usually more than enough-often 5-10 minutes will work too. 3. State your position, but listen to the other person’s side too! Look for some point of agreement in both sides- this is difficult, but with practice becomes easier. This tip is extremely important to stop gridlocks. The more each of you feel heard and understood the less likely gridlocks will occur. 4. Look for solutions/compromises. If there aren’t any (which will happen) agree to disagree, but be respectful of the other’s point of view. There isn’t a right or wrong, just different viewpoints. 5. Remember you are on the same Team. What’s healthy for the TEAM? If one person always wins, that is very bad for the team. Try and think in terms of win win for both peopl

Tips for talking to your teen I have teens, so I understand how easily what seems like an innocent question/inquiry turns into your teen stomping off to their room and refusing to speak! So here are some tips I have that can help reduce the chances of a defensive response. 1. Think before you ask! Teens often see questions by parents as “snooping” and some can get defensive before the parent even asks anything! So know that how you word the question is important- sound curious, not confrontational. It’s imperative to reduce/get rid of sarcasm in your voice because many teens are very sensitive to sarcasm from parents. 2. Any time your teen wants to talk, stop what you are doing and listen. For many parents, these moments don’t happen often enough, so when they do want to talk, take advantage, even if it means delaying cooking, cleaning or chores. Will your teen say I want to talk? Probably not, but if they start talking to you about stuff, listen. 3. Try not to give advice unless as

When worries overwhelm you All of us have worries at different times of our lives, and especially the past year with all the job losses and financial problems, many of us have been worried about what the future will hold. What happens when the worries become overwhelming and interfere with your lives? Worries may lead to anxiety such as panic attacks or avoidance of things that cause us to feel anxious. Some symptoms that worries are becoming overwhelming are: - Sleep problems, often because of thinking about the problems - Inability to focus or concentrate - Repeated thinking about the worries often most of or many times during the day - Panic attack- a sudden onset of fear or apprehension which may accompany shortness of breath, heart palpitation or choking sensations A few of the ways to help with anxiety are: - Relaxation exercises, particularly progressive muscle relaxation. We hold a lot of tension in our muscles, and by relaxing

Introversion and Extroversion Mary loves going to parties and interacting with a lot of different people gives her energy. When she is alone too much she may start to become tired and depressed. Parties tend to be a chore for Susan. She prefers to talk with one or two people at a time. When she is with people for long periods of time, her energy level becomes depleted. Mary and Susan have two very different ways of being in the world. Terms used to describe this would be Extroversion and Introversion. Carl Jung first coined these two words, and there has been much research to support his observations and typing of people. Although we all have elements of introversion and extroversion in our personalities, one of these attitudes are usually our preferred way of being- how we tend to feel the most comfortable. Knowing our preferred attitude and honoring it in your life can be important for psychological well-being. Extroverts make up about 75% of the population (US). They love being with

One of the best communication skills for couples that I have come across is a way to reduce defensiveness in our relationship. This is difficult to do, but greatly increases the closeness and understanding with your significant other. When communicating about heated topics, searching for and acknowledging areas of agreement can be very powerful in helping both parties feel understood and to reduce the chances of stalemate. For example, if you are disagreeing over discipline for your teen, acknowledging that you both love the child and are trying to do what is best can greatly reduce the defensiveness and eventually lead to solutions you both feel comfortable with. So often in our arguments with our significant other, we don’t necessarily want to “win”, we want to feel understood, and when we feel understood, we are much more willing to look for areas of compromise. When both parties do not feel understood or listened too, it’s almost always going to continue to be a “perpetual argu

Treat your rage as a powerful guide, and it will surely bring gifts of insight and self-awareness! Recognizing and honoring our rage is an important part of our journey to wholeness. Although abiding with our rage and deep hurt is never easy, the rewards are great. By not working through our rage, it can wreak havoc in our lives. In my own live, particularly my early years of marriage, rage and anger needed to be brought to the surface and exposed to the light. My anger seemed to be triggered by very small things- usually because I felt rejected or abandoned. However, while I was experience these intense emotions, I did not recognize my true feelings. It took several years of acknowledging and expressing my feelings of hurt and rejection to achieve balance on this issue in my marriage. Not always, but often, what is behind our rage is hurt and sadness. By recognizing our hurt, first to ourselves and then others, our rage often becomes assuaged. When we don’t shine a light on our rage,

Doing a body scan can be a very helpful way to identify what part of your body is holding some emotions. I have found it helpful to me and others in recognizing and releasing emotions that we aren't very aware of. To do a body scan, start by taking 3 deep breaths, feeling your stomach rise, and when you exhale, blow out as much air as you can. Then starting with your head, you just give your attention to each body part and try and identify the feeling there: heavy, soft, pain, light, whatever it is it is as it should be. Work your way all the down to your feet. When you are finished, take 3 more deep breaths in, and make note of how your body felt. Doing this regularly will help you get into touch with the emotions your body is carrying around. Until next time: Be gentle with yourself and others.