Insecurities
I see many people who's insecurities are harming their relationships, and I have had my fair share of feeling insecure, so I know the visitor "insecurity" well. Insecurity is a visitor because for most people, we don't always feel insecure, but things trigger it, and then we tend to act out in some way, before we return to our baseline again.
There tends to be two patterns of acting out our insecurities- anger or withdrawing. With anger I usually see a very strong rageful reaction that is out of proportion to the offense committed. It tends to be irrational anger and takes their partner by surprise who doesn't understand what they did wrong. Others tend to withdraw when they feel insecure- become quiet, isolate themselves, and their partners will ask them what is wrong, but they aren't usually sure themselves.
The best way to handle when you feel insecure is to RECOGNIZE it! Don't hide from it, and start to see what your triggers are. Ask yourself: what is behind this intense anger I am feeling? Why am I protecting myself by withdrawing? What is usually behind the anger or withdrawing is a feeling of hurt and insecurity in the relationship. And when we acknowledge the ORIGINAL feeling to ourselves, those strong emotions will subside. We don't even have to tell our partner what our true feelings are (that's good but not necessary), but once we can identify the insecurities/hurt and be honest with ourselves, a huge weight lifts and we calm down. In this way we take care of ourselves and the healing of those wounds occur.
Acknowledge your true feelings, then look for what your triggers are. What I have seen in myself and others is that the triggers are usually around "I don't feel important enough to you" or "You don't care about me"- not feeling like you are getting enough attention from your partner, you're not a priority, they don't care about you as much as you do about them, etc. Here are some real life situations I have seen that trigger these thoughts/emotions: A partner doesn't text you as often as you do them, a husband spends a lot of time with his extended family, you haven't seen your partner in a few days and you are so excited to see them- and they act like it's no big deal, your partner talks to his ex-wife "too much", when you go out you feel like your partner ignores you all night, plus many more situations!
There tends to be two patterns of acting out our insecurities- anger or withdrawing. With anger I usually see a very strong rageful reaction that is out of proportion to the offense committed. It tends to be irrational anger and takes their partner by surprise who doesn't understand what they did wrong. Others tend to withdraw when they feel insecure- become quiet, isolate themselves, and their partners will ask them what is wrong, but they aren't usually sure themselves.
The best way to handle when you feel insecure is to RECOGNIZE it! Don't hide from it, and start to see what your triggers are. Ask yourself: what is behind this intense anger I am feeling? Why am I protecting myself by withdrawing? What is usually behind the anger or withdrawing is a feeling of hurt and insecurity in the relationship. And when we acknowledge the ORIGINAL feeling to ourselves, those strong emotions will subside. We don't even have to tell our partner what our true feelings are (that's good but not necessary), but once we can identify the insecurities/hurt and be honest with ourselves, a huge weight lifts and we calm down. In this way we take care of ourselves and the healing of those wounds occur.
Acknowledge your true feelings, then look for what your triggers are. What I have seen in myself and others is that the triggers are usually around "I don't feel important enough to you" or "You don't care about me"- not feeling like you are getting enough attention from your partner, you're not a priority, they don't care about you as much as you do about them, etc. Here are some real life situations I have seen that trigger these thoughts/emotions: A partner doesn't text you as often as you do them, a husband spends a lot of time with his extended family, you haven't seen your partner in a few days and you are so excited to see them- and they act like it's no big deal, your partner talks to his ex-wife "too much", when you go out you feel like your partner ignores you all night, plus many more situations!
Knowing what your triggers are is very important to heal this area of your life and to keep the relationship healthy. In the future I will write about what to do if you are on the recieving end of a person who feels insecure.
It's safe to look at your insecurities, it's good for you to acknowledge your true feelings, and it can feel wonderful to grow!
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