Outing our son.

We outed our son before he outed himself. By the time he was in middle school, my husband and I had strong inklings that he was gay, but it took a while for our son to come to that conclusion and longer to feel strong enough to share it with others outside our immediate family.

It was a scary time for all of us. We had moved to Wisconsin from Virginia at the end of his 4th grade year, and he had a difficult time fitting in at the cliquish neighborhood elementary school. By the beginning of middle school he felt so left out and picked on that we almost pulled him out of school completely. But he stuck it out for a few more weeks, made some friends and felt better.

During 7th grade, his dad and I asked him if he was gay, and let him know that it was absolutely OK to be gay. At the time, he thought he was bi-sexual. It can take a while to figure our sexuality out, especially if we are not mainstream. During this time he also became gorgeous- tall, muscular, handsome and a lot of girls liked him and gave him attention. I always thought he was bisexual during that time in order to not lose all the attention he was getting from the girls! For some youth, being bisexual can be a way to transition into being gay.

The worry about him and wanting him to be happy are the two things that caused me the most anguish during those adolescent years. He was called names on almost a daily basis, but he seemed to take it in stride. Me and his dad did not. At the local movie theatre one time some male teens called our son names (faggot was always a choice word used), and my husband got into their faces about it. Our son didn’t seem to care, but we sure did! Those teens ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre that day. Maybe those kids now regret the harassment they inflicted on my son. I hope so.

I worried about what the name calling and harassment was doing to his psyche and self-esteem. I worried about older men preying on him. I worried about him finding acceptance and community somewhere. I worried a lot.

Now I can say it seems like we are on the other side of the worry and pain. My son is a 22 year old well adjusted young man, making his way through life, with friends, a significant other and lots of support from community and family. Now the community is New York City, but that’s OK! I am glad he found a place where he can be who he is without being looked on as a deviant, to be with others who are gay, and to be accepted.

We do not choose our sexuality. I am a firm believer in biological origins of our sexuality, and I have seen it first hand- I had thoughts of my son being gay from a very young age. Does that mean I raised him “differently” and that’s what caused him to be gay? I don’t think so. His younger brother is a sports kid and is straight, likes cars, motorcycles and building things- both raised in the same house with same parents.

Why are we so afraid of homosexuality? I know things have gotten much better over the past 20-30 years and I am thankful for the trailblazers who put their necks out and insisted upon change. But we also have further to go.
My son likely will get married someday, whether it is accepted “legally” or not. I will probably have grandchildren from him, biological or not. Our family circle will get larger and stronger.

And I worry less.