State of the Union

The state of the union is a term I use with my couples on the periodic assessment on how the relationship is doing. At the minimum of yearly- easy to remember to do on your anniversary, is to have a conversation of what each of you feel is going right, and what parts can use some time and attention.

I see many people in my office, who have been blindsided, by their partner wanting to divorce or to end the partnership. Sometimes it's because of an emotional or physical affair, but often it is not. The connection got lost for one or both of them, and they never talked about it. When this goes on for many years, it can literally kill the relationship- the fire goes out completely. Now sometimes we are able to bring it back to life, and sometimes we are not. Catching the disconnect early makes it much easier to bring the connection back, by waiting years and years, maybe even decades, the work becomes much more difficult.

If you are in a relationship, it is imperative that you know how you feel about the relationship and how your partner feels. It is for the health of the union to keep tabs on it. To not do so, you are taking a huge risk that the fire will go out and no one will notice until it is too late.

So how do you do assess your relationship? By asking questions of yourself and each other! Here are some guidelines- not all inclusive, but a way to get the conversation going. This is not intended to be a blame game- keep an open mind, listen deeply and do not get defensive!

1. What's going well in our relationship? What do you like about it? What needs are being met?

2. How would you rate it on a scale of 1-10? What's the highest we have been and also the lowest? When were those times?

3. Each of you rate your sex (and/or physical connection) life on that same scale of 1-10. What would make it better?

4. Are you spending enough quality time together? What activities do you do as a couple? How much fun do you have together? What's fun to the 2 of you?

5. What do you need more of that you aren't getting right now? And make a plan to change that!

6. Do you feel "close"? Can you rely on each other emotionally? If not, why not? It is important that we be a "safe place". So often we do not feel close emotionally because we have not created that safety.

7. Celebrate what is good and different about your relationship! For example, in my own marriage, we sing karaoke together (not well!) and also are very competitive with the old school Mario and Tetris games!

Check in with each other regularly! Write it down and see how it changes year to year. Do not wait until it is too late to get the conversation going. You both deserve to feel connected and loved, so take the time/energy to make that happen. Our relationships can be the most healing and inspiring of places if we cultivate it.

So start talking today!