Taking Care of our Anger

Our anger is an important emotion for our health, and because few of us have had good role models on dealing with our anger, we may have coping mechanisms that may not be the healthiest. When I was younger, I externalized a lot of my anger; I yelled easily, would interpret events as "unjust", and would be "pissed off" often. Now I internalize my anger more, which is probably a better balance for me. I think about why I am angry and can ruminate, but I probably don't express it as I could to the person/situaton that I am upset about.

Anger is natural and can be a healthy emotion! There is no escaping or hiding from anger, so it's best that you make friends with it. Come to some understanding of what situations cause you to feel angry, figure out how to recognize your anger, and also decide what responses to anger you will feel best about.

Deciding what situations make you feel the most angry. There is usually a theme behind them all. Such as, I am being devalued by someone of something, my rights are being stomped on, this person doesn't care about me, others "should have" better behavior etc. A theme for me since I was young that brings up anger is when others try to push their agendas on me. That shouldn't have been a big deal, if I would have just said no, but problem was that I wasn't good at saying no, so I would go along with what the other wanted and then feel very angry.
Recognize your anger. How does your body feel when angry? What sort of thoughts go through your mind? For me I ruminate (think about the situation over and over and over), but I also tend to emotionally distance myself from what is causing me to feel angry.
Decide how you will respond to your anger. This will take some of the impulsiveness away that often can lead to yelling, verbal aggression, distancing, etc- all behaviors that can harm relationships. So for me, when I feel others are pushing agendas on me, I used to be passive aggressive and go along, but then either not show up or do something where I wasn't fully participating. It relieved my anger some but wasn't a healthy response and left the other wondering what was going on! Now I am much better about saying no and deciding if I want to follow other's agendas or not and being up front about it. I feel better and my relationships are better.

If verbal aggression is the primary way you express anger, it's time to work on that. It IS possible to state your feelings in a way that does not involve yelling or avoiding. You need to take time to decide what is behind the anger- what are you really angry about, and get clear about the behaviors that are bothering you and also how you interpret it. This is important!! Often what we think we are angry about is not the real case- many times it is because we feel rejected or looked down about in some way, and instead of stating the hurt feelings, anger is much easier to express. When we are honest with ourselves about what we are really feeling and thinking, it is so healing. For example, I had a client who was upset about her husband hunting and fishing a lot, and she said it was because the house and kids all fell on her during those times (which was true, but he had always done these activities). The arguments were huge with lots of yelling, avoiding and not communicating. When I talked with her about what really bothered her, it's that she felt rejected by him during this time, and that she wasn't a priority. EUREKA! Now that we can deal with- by discussing all the ways she is a priority and also ways he can make her feel better when he is hunting/fishing. And the issue resolved itself because we dealt with the emotion that was behind the anger: feeling rejected.

It's important for you to decide how you will handle anger when it arises: will you be a yeller and a screamer, an avoider? Or will you recogize what is bothering you and then communicate it to the right person? I have seen many people modify their anger responses (myself included) and it's a worthwhile goal. Life is easier and more pleasant when we know how to handle those strong feelings. Anger is not bad, it's how we handle that anger that is the key.

Today, work on recognizing what are the thoughts/emotions behind your anger, so that you can get at the real issue..