Self Esteem vs Self Compassion

I recently read an article in Psychology Today that helped to clarify my views on self esteem. One of the goals for people who come to therapy often is to "improve self esteem", and to be honest, as clinicians we don't always consciously know the right recipe to help with that- but fortunately, we intuitively know what to do.

If someone has "contingent self esteem" (a feeling of self worth based upon outside validation), then we become puppets- happy or sad depending upon what is happening outside of us and who/what is validating us, or not validating us at the moment. For example, you are single and a few people are interested in you- boom! You feel great, but then take away the attention, and you feel down again. This often causes us to feel like yoyos and never have firm ground to stand on.

The way to authentic self esteem is compassion. Treat yourself gently, especially when you make mistakes. Know that you will be crabby, you will say the wrong thing, you will embarrass yourself, and continue to love yourself through this! It's OK to enjoy outside validation, but you DO NOT need it in order to feel "good enough". Feeling "good enough" comes from within not from with out. As children we may not have been given the tools or validation we needed, but then you are in very good company because few of us have had an idyllic upbringing! Be good to yourself now and you can heal the past.


Some guidelines that do help with authentic self esteem:
1. Stop comparing yourself to others!!! Either you come out better or worse, neither is good for you.
2. Build upon your strengths. It's OK to have others help you identify your strengths if you struggle with this exercise, but you have them!
3. Stop looking through a negative lens- don't read into statements from others or emails from a negative slant. This takes time and practice to learn, but is very powerful in helping yourself feel that deep down,"I am OK". If you can't trust your interpretation of events, have a close confidant that you can process it with who will help you change your negative perspective. This takes time and practice, so do NOT expect miracles right away, but it will change your negative lens if you consistently practice.
4. Practice self acceptance or self compassion daily. If your child makes a mistake, you still love them right? Your deep affection for your loved ones does not change if they get an award or they get into trouble, so you need to apply that to yourself. I will make mistakes and that is OK. I am not perfect and I do not expect myself to be perfect. When you mess up, be gentle with yourself!!!!! An example of deep compassion for ourselves: When we have a bad day and yell at the kids for things that never bothered us before, but are infuriating now. The kids cry and run to their rooms. A few hours later you feel like sh@@ because you realize how irrational you were in the moment. The key is to not beat yourself up for too long! Acknowledge what you did wrong, apologize, and then move on. I doubt your family is going to hold it against you for long, so why should you? The more compassionate we are with ourselves, the easier it is to correct our mistakes and not make them again. How powerful!!
5. Create a safe place to land. Preferably it is one safe person who reflects back to you your worth even when you are feeling not OK. If you don't have one safe person to do that with, then get a good therapist. This safe place can also be an animal, a place or a spiritual resource. It could be dancing, or singing or any creative endeavor. Whatever takes you out of your pain and helps to feel that deep down "I'm alright".
6. Help others to feel OK! Practice compassion to people in your life- start with others and transfer that to yourself.
7. You are the expert on yourself, and ultimately you decide what is right or what needs to be changed. As you develop more self compassion, this will come easier for you- that regardless of the positive or negative message being received from the outside world, you decide whether it has merit or not. Maybe there is some truth in it, maybe there is not, but only you can determine that.
8. Quit thinking about your self esteem so much! Do something for others, contribute even though you feel unworthy. Set some constructive goals that you can accomplish and contribute to the world in a way that you think is important. When we give we naturally feel better about ourselves and it takes us away from the thinking about ourselves.

The best part of being self compassionate, is that you are naturally compassionate to others also, and that is some powerful medicine for the world!