What does couples counseling do?





I see many couples in my practice and this is a question I get often.  So I think it is good to clarify it to myself and clients.

My approach to couples counseling is that the relationship is my client, not the individuals.  How this works is that I am looking for things to strengthen the relationship and I care what each individual says/feels, but I relate that information back to the relationship and how it impacts the love between the two.  My job is to make the relationship better, and sometimes that means helping each individual feel better (particularly if they have depression or anxiety), but almost always, by helping the relationship get stronger, both individuals naturally feel better.

Sometimes people come to me who are not ready for couples counseling, and that is OK.  Maybe they have some doubts about being in the relationship that they need to work through, or they have significant personal issues they need to address first. When I take a couple on for counseling, there is almost always homework outside of the session and things they need to do between sessions, and sometimes people are not ready for that; too much anger or resentment may be interfering with improving the relationship. Often individual work will be done first in order to move towards couples work or individual and couples work at the same time.

In a nutshell, my approach to couples counseling is this:  1. Deal with the anger/resentment that has built up 2. Rebuild the connections that brought them together in the first place 3. Help them to be kinder/gentler/more supportive with each other (which includes communicating better).

Is it always this simple?  No.  Sometimes there is trust issues that need to be healed first, anger issues that need to cool down, sexual issues to address, parenting/family/finance disagreements, etc.

Many couples I work with start to improve their relationship within a few sessions.  If you do not wait "too long" and if you want to and are willing to do the work,  couples counseling can help you improve the most important relationship in your life. Most of us have not had good role models for healthy relationships and we are ALL wounded in some ways.  Couples counseling can help us clarify what we want out of the relationship and heal some of the wounds that are interfering with being connected to each other.

Until next time, be gentle with yourself and others.

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Unknown said…
Where is the "like"button on here? :)
February 16, 2013 at 2:58 PM
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