Defensiveness

We all experience defensiveness at one time or another, and for some of us it's an enduring pattern in our relationships.  Being defensive means we are quick to "defend" our point of view and not really listen to what the other is saying.  Often times we become defensive because our thoughts/feelings/opinions have been devalued or invalidated over long periods of time, and we have learned to "defend" ourselves at the first sign of any disagreements.

Although I think defensiveness is common, I do think that if there is too much of it in a relationship it causes us to withdraw or defend and can escalate disagreements or even agreements to an all out fight.

The cure to defensiveness in a relationship is two fold.

 1. Do not be afraid to look at yourself and adjust your behavior if your partner is expressing a need/want that is not being filled.
2. Consciously look for areas of agreement or find something in what your partner is saying that you can agree with.

By listening to your partners' concerns and also looking for areas that you agree on (instead of disagree!) your partner will feel cared about and the arguments will fizzle out. When we feel loved and cared about by our partner our acceptance goes up, we are less likely to make mountains out of molehills and we feel closer. 

All of us want to know that we matter.

So I challenge you to show to your partner that they matter to you today!  Not the grand gestures, but the  2 steps I described above.