Insecure Attachment in relationship

Many of us were not raised in an environment where we got securely attached to our caregivers, and felt loved and supported.  When we become securely attached to our caregivers, we know that our needs will be met and we can count on our caregiver to be there for us.  If we were not raised in such an environment, our brains become wired in looking for whether we are loved and cared for or not; and if we find evidence to the contrary (often read into situations) we become very anxious and often "act out" our anxiety over the potential loss of love (often imagined).

 For example, adults with insecure attachment styles will look for perceived threats, and often will overreact to them.  Your boyfriend doesn't call or text you as much, you perceive this as rejection, and you get angry and lash out.  Because anger is a much easier emotion for most of us to feel and also express, it tends to be the emotion that we rely on the most, although behind that emotion is hurt and anxiousness over feeling rejected.

As a couples counselor, many clients present with attachment issues, and it obviously gets played out in our romantic relationships.  In the early years of my marriage I was often testing my husband's love and I was super sensitive to signs of whether he loved and cared for me or not.  I would read into situations and have overreactions based off my misreading events.  It is very painful to feel insecurely attached, and I can recognize it easily in others now.   Thankfully, my husband was patient and steadfast with me and I was able to emotionally grow and that part of my brain calmed.

Some signs of being insecurely attached as an adult are
1.  Feeling rejected over things that others probably would not. Ex: Your partner doesn't text or call enough
2.  Putting all of your wants and needs always first in the relationship, or never putting your wants and needs first (having given up that they will ever be met or have no expectation they will ever be met).  Securely attached people care about their needs and their partners needs and have room in the relationship for both of them
3.  Having overreactions to real/perceived signs of not feeling loved/cared about.  Usually this manifests as anger and when the anger is out of proportion to the situation, it's almost always another wound that is driving the reaction.

The good news is that there are many of us out there who have been or are insecurely attached; some estimates are 45% of the population.   I have seen many of us grow beyond those wounds and create loving supportive relationships!   Having our wounds witnessed, by our friends/family or a therapist is very healing and powerful.   Witnessing of our wounding is often enough to provide the safe space to start moving beyond it.

One technique I use with people I counsel and myself is that when we feel rejected, unloved, uncared about, we place our hand on our heart and remember a time when we did feel loved and cared for in as much detail as possible; sitting with that imagery, over time, will help calm the brain and create the neural pathways to a secure attachment.

For further reading:
http://www.mindful.org/rewire-your-brain-for-love