Tough exteriors
My parents did the best they could with the tools and development they had. So this is not a blame the parents blog. I appreciate my mother in particular for working with what she had to work with! She made traditions and structure for all of her 10 children. We had Catholic School (grades 1-8), church, regular meal times, and a large extended family that we saw weekly, a regular cleaning schedule, bath times and my mother baked every Saturday. There were routines I could rely on that helped to sustain me.
My father worked a factory job for many years 20 plus ; way beyond what I would have the fortitude for. His alcoholism prevented him from a bigger future after he got out of the military, and I know it was a huge loss in his life. But he was a very difficult man to live with; he had a lot of pain and disappointments, and he transferred anger and shame onto his children.
When I was younger I took offense to a lot of things; many unintended. I felt like I had to defend myself, mostly due to my father’s abuse, and the feelings of insecurity it created in me. I was terrified to be vulnerable, and my sense of self could easily be uprooted by the disappointment or negativity of others. I wanted to be more stable, and to feel more peace and contentment with myself. Louise Hay came into my life around the age of 20, and her book You can Heal your Life, started me on a life long quest to love myself more. Then came John Bradshaw and Healing the Shame that Binds You, Wayne Dyer, and finally Janet Woititz books Adult Children of Alcoholics, and then Struggle for Intimacy explained so much of why I was the way I was, but my journey to being able to be vulnerable took many many years.
As I grew emotionally and developed myself, I learned that others usually do not mean to hurt us, we are all doing the best we can, and I dropped the tough exterior, which was no longer serving me. That tough exterior served me well as a child, but was no longer needed once I was in an emotionally safe family of my own, with a spouse who really helped heal the wounds of my father, and I wanted better and more for my own children.
So here I am at the age of 51, tending to others psychological wounds on a daily basis; a job and calling that I am so blessed to have. Witnessing others face their wounds, name them, and grow with them makes me see how resilient us humans are; it’s so beautiful to watch. All of us are wounded! And we all help each other to heal.
It’s been liberating to let that toughness go; it saved me as a child, but if I had kept it, I never would have developed true intimacy with myself or others. When I see someone with a tough exterior I know that they are hiding behind it because to be vulnerable is the most threatening thing possible for them. They are afraid to share who they really are, and they especially need my kindness and compassion; I know that mask well.
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