October 2010 Newsletter

Kettle Moraine Counseling

October 2010 Newsletter

From the director: The leaves are turning colors and it gets chilly at night. I love the cooler air! We are walking more at night as a family and that’s been a very nice experience and good time to talk. At the clinic, our two new therapists (Deb Graf and Layne Sampson) are up and running and doing great. Tricia Schutz has expanded her hours due to high demand and it’s been nice having her around more. The play therapy room has been a hit so far with kids, and we are so happy to be able to offer that service to the community. Thank you to our clients and others who refer to us- we appreciate it and will continue to practice with integrity and skill.

Who’s the Real Teacher? By Deb Graf

As adults, we often focus on what we can teach children to help them function in society. I challenge us to think about the opposite: how children teach us.

Youngsters bring life to our world: they teach us to have fun, enjoy the little moments, laugh, be spontaneous, observe the insect or flower we usually ignore, be flexible… the list is ongoing. However, children provide plenty of opportunities for us to grow and learn as a result of their challenging behaviors.

What? How can a child’s mischievousness teach us? Children can bring out the worst in us – it exposes our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Any unfinished business from our childhood will erupt to the surface. For example, we may vow to not be like our parents, to not hit or scream or be out of control; yet we’re doing the very things we vowed not to do. Any kind of relationship issues from our past: accidents, parent’s divorce, emotional/physical/sexual abuse, parents not emotionally there for us, death, parent’s anxieties and anger, family drug and alcohol abuse -- they all affect us at an emotional and biological level. The pain from past relationships does not go away until we face them, feel the emotions, reframe the thoughts and eventually let go of the hurts. We’re tempted to deny or ignore; after all, who wants to face the pain? However, when we avoid the reality of the pain inflicted on us, we suffer more than we need to and unconsciously inflict more pain to our children. Therefore, when children expose our anger, anxiety, or hopelessness, it’s an opportunity for us to heal from past pain, find freedom, and grant emotional freedom to our children.

Deb Graf, LPC sees children, teens and adults. She’s been trained in attachment therapy deb@kettlemorainecounseling.com




Question and Answer:
My partner and I are both so defensive that we can’t communicate about anything anymore. Help!

Learn some basic communication tools and stick with them- such as using “I” statements, and making a pact to not blame or cut each other down. Then, understand what is happening is that each of you do not feel understood by the other, and the goal is to listen and acknowledge what the other is saying.
When communicating about heated topics, searching for and acknowledging areas of agreement can be very powerful in helping both parties feel understood and to reduce the chances of stalemate. For example, if you are disagreeing over discipline for your teen, acknowledging that you both love the child and are trying to do what is best can greatly reduce the defensiveness and eventually lead to solutions you both feel comfortable with.

So often in our arguments with our significant other, we don’t necessarily want to “win”, we want to feel understood, and when we feel understood, we are much more willing to look for areas of compromise. This works with kids too!


Excerpt from Mindful Living Blog: Healing Stories
Telling stories can be a fun activity, but it is also good for you! When we share stories of how we grew up, our parents or extended families, we build upon the connections and it helps shape our identity. Telling stories helps us see that we are part of something much larger than ourselves.

Research:
Marriage: It’s not if you fight, but how you fight that can help or hurt.
But if fighting is inevitable, why do so many marriages last—and, indeed, thrive—for a lifetime? The answer isn't whether or not you fight, but how you go about it. The couples who have learned how to fight fairly, and also when to just walk away have stronger/healthier marriages! From Time magazine, Sept. 29, 2010

Therapists: Deb Graf, Lori Landy, Layne Sampson, Julianne Morrison, Tricia Schutz, and Devona Marshall
www.kettlemorainecounseling.com


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