Love is a Verb and a Feeling

In my practice and in life, I have encountered many people who report they have fallen out of love.  When asked to describe what that means, I am usually told:

I no longer feel attracted to him/her

There is no passion in our relationship

We are not close at all

I don't feel cared about

I don't feel like I used to feel

He/She doesn't KNOW me

Most of us want to have the in love feeling all the time, but truth be told, in any long term relationship, that in love feeling will ebb and flow- sometimes strong, sometimes not there.  It's normal and best to not pathologize the relationship when it happens or get yourself worked up into a tizzy over it!


But, not feeling in love, could be a sign that you are not paying enough attention to your relationship.  Are you taking time to nourish the relationship?  Spending quality time together?  Being intimate, both emotionally and physically?  Not letting resentments fester (a HUGE factor in not feeling in love)? Being interested in what your partner thinks and feels? 

By taking care of the relationship, you are much more likely to have the in love feeling more often.

Love is an action verb, not just a feeling.  We must show our love in ways that makes our partner feel the love.   When we give love, we are much more likely to feel in love.  For example....

The times in my marriage when I have not felt in love were the times when I was giving the least love to my husband.  I became selfish and thought he was not doing as much for me or that he magically had the power to make me feel more in love with him.  When I started giving more love back (in words or actions), I started to feel more in love. 

Giving more of ourselves is one way to feel more in love. 

If you no longer feel in love, I challenge you to give more love to your partner; cook for them, care for their physical needs, verbally tell them what you like about them, and make an effort to touch more often, and see if it helps you get some of the "in love" feeling back. 

Besides giving more of ourselves, the other most powerful way to feel and in love and to sustain that feeling over your lifetime is this: 

Be emotionally Intimate with each other

Be physically Intimate with each other

Being in love means that you are sharing yourself (your dreams, fears, ideas, life) with each other.  When we are emotionally intimate we naturally feel in love.  Connection is the way to sustain our attachment; being vulnerable to our partner is the expressway to intimacy.  

Didn't you talk all the time when you first met?  Do that NOW!  

Touch is powerful!!  It heals, it connects, it takes our stress away.  The touch of my husband instantly calms me- usually long hugs, but also holding hands or rubbing my arm or back.  I feel instantly soothed whenever we touch, because my trust and attachment are so strong with him.  And yes physical intimacy means sex too, but it certainly does not mean just sex; there are so many ways to be physically intimate!

Waiting for your partner to do something to make you feel in love is not going to work. 

You must be assertive and perform acts of love, and it's very likely that you will start to feel "in love" again.