We all need intimacy

We all want more intimacy in our lives, even if we don't recognize it. What is intimacy? To me it is a closeness, a sharing of our truest feelings, including the uglies; the shame, inadequacies and fears we have about ourselves and our place in the world. When we can share those things, wow! powerful intimacy and connections occur. But it's also the "good" stuff- our dreams, accomplishments, memories, funny stories, lessons, and hopes.

Intimacy can be physical. Holding hands, spooning, kissing, hugging, and sexual touch. When we don't have intimacy in our lives, in it's many forms, we can feel alone and disconnected, like an island. Like one woman described it to me: "I am alone and can only rely on myself". She was in a good marriage and raising young children with lots of family and friend support, but she felt so alone, all because she wasn't intimate with others. She played many roles (mother, wife, daughter, friend) in her life and kept others at an emotional distance.

Often times as a therapist when I see clients for feeling general malaise, or down, I see a connection to the lack of intimacy in their lives. They may be married and have many people in their lives, but they don't feel close; they don't share the "soft underbelly" of their emotional life. I believe we heal in relationship to others, (and sometimes that other is a therapist) but most often it is the loved ones already in our lives. In therapy by having the client connect with me and share their inner worlds, it often naturally extends to them sharing with others in their lives, and the depression lifts. What's really cool is that the current research on the brain and attachment is giving us scientific evidence on the healing powers of relationship!

How to create more intimacy in our lives? Take some risks!! Emotional risks. Share more than what makes you feel comfortable, expose your vulnerabilities, push yourself to hug someone that you usually wouldn't, ask for what you need, share your fears. With children one of the best ways to create more closeness is to admit that you do not have all the answers and ask them their thoughts/opinions. Snuggle up in bed! For some people, myself included, touch is very healing- I need a lot of touch (I ask for it now), and it calms me and just all over helps me to feel good! My kids get tired of the hugging and kissing, but my husband is a trooper about it.

Some tools you can use to get you started is by playing games that force us to share. Lifestories, the Ungame, Imaginiff, the book If or About Us. Or just sit around the campfire and start sharing stories! Last year we did that, with my sisters and our children, and one of the questions was My first kiss was..... boy did we learn a lot!!! And it was a lot of fun.

Practice opening up today- start of small and move up to the big stuff. Feel the connections grow and grow..........



****I don't like words of caution, but feel like I must add to this blog. If you are in an unsafe relationship (physically or emotionally), sharing your vulnerabilities with that person is not a good idea- it can and may be used against you, or you may be put down (which may ruin you from opening up to safe people). So know who is safe and who isn't in your life to share. For the most part, we all want more intimacy, but some have wounds that are deep and feelings of inadequacy that get projected onto others, and they may not be able to hear vulnerabilities without it triggering them in some way.