Anger toward Outward

I have previously written about those of us who turn our anger inward, and now I write about those who externalize their anger, and this can be done in healthy and not so healthy ways. People who turn their anger outward often yell, explode, have a temper tantrum and in the moment do not care how their actions are harming the relationship. A healthy way of externalizing our anger is to confront the person/situation that we are upset about, share how we feel in a respectful manner, and also take feedback from the other. With people turning the argument into a win-win ending takes a lot of emotionally intelligence, but mostly is what is best for the relationship. Win-lose arguments mostly harm our relationships.

Using the Myers Briggs Typology, those who are Thinkers often do not have difficulty externalizing their anger, and they often don't take criticism personally, so arguments do not effect emotionally in the way it does a Feeler.

Externalizing our anger toward oppression, discrimination or abuse is very healthy- placing the anger where it really belongs. Advocating, protesting, and working for a cause are great ways to take care of our anger or injustices in our systems.

If you are an anger externalizer, developing the ability to look at yourself and your behaviors is very beneficial. If you express anger by exploding, you are harming your relationships, and need to learn to effectively state how you feel without putting the other down, or alienating. Notice what your triggers are and how you may not be perceiving the situation accurately. Self-talk is powerful and helpful in keeping our anger responses in check. Do not assume! Ask for clarification before you jump to conclusions and you will stop most anger outbursts.


Anger can become aggression, whether verbal aggression (yelling, putting others down, name calling) or physical aggression. Anger with aggression is usually a response to perceived threat, unfairness or injustice:

■Perceived disrespectful treatment: Of thoughts, beliefs, feelings and needs
■Perceived threat: To the continuation, or success of something to which we are strongly committed, e.g. one's partner, lifestyle
■Perceived unfairness
■Perceived provocation or suspicion and hostility: "They" did that on purpose, just to "wind me up". The best form of defence is to attack before they do.

Challenging your thoughts/perceptions of the situation is how you manage anger before it becomes aggression.

You can be right, or you can have healthy supportive relationships; the choice is yours.