Bluebeard: Internal and External Predators

Bluebeard: Internal and External Predators

One of the favorite stories that I recommend to people (especially women) is the story of Bluebeard. Essentially it goes like this: a man comes courting to some sisters, the youngest decides to marry him even though something seems “off”. She ignores her instincts, and runs off with him. Turns out that his plan was to kill her all along, but she finds this out before it is too late, and calls in help to save her.
The message in the story is to trust your instincts, do not allow the predator to kill off some part of you: whether it’s your values, your creativity, your dreams, etc.

As a young woman I encountered many Bluebeards; primarily men that I should have stayed away from. They were slick talkers and wanted (or demanded) more from me than I had to give. I would talk myself into that they were really OK, misunderstood, had a bad childhood, just need a break, etc. All lies I told myself in order to override my gut. I had some unmet and unaware needs that I was trying to get met through them, but little did I know in my naivete that they would never be able to meet my needs; in fact my needs weren’t on their radars at all!

I have encountered fewer Bluebeards as I have gotten older. But when I do encounter Bluebeard now, he is mostly in the form on an internal predator. He is the thoughts I tell myself, that I will not be successful, I don’t have anything interesting to say, that I am not good enough. Internal predators are more debilitating than external: we believe our own thoughts and seldom challenge if they are true.

Work situations can be our Bluebeard. A part of us know it’s not the right situation for us, but we keep going. Maybe the ethics or values of our supervisor or the workplace do not match ours, but we ignore this, or tell ourselves we are overreacting. I had one person tell me that after they had left their long term place of employment, that they realized that they had “gone to bed with the devil”, and they had spent many years convincing themselves that it wasn’t so bad, until they could no longer hide how they really felt and their bodies/mind would no longer go along with the farce. They found a better match in their next employment with their values of how to treat people, which was respect and kindness.

Maybe you are stagnating in your job, believing you must go along for a paycheck, but you always wanted to be a firefighter. Or you make good money, and can’t imagine entering the helping professions where your heart really is because it’s “silly” (a true story). Now I am not advocating rushing into anything, but what are instincts are telling us is very important. If your body starts to carry your stress (pain, bowel issues, tension, etc), it’s time to take a look at what it is trying to tell you. Our bodies are the direct link to our instinctual nature and will let us know when we are not being true to our nature.

Other predators that I have seen others encounter: rage that burns up themselves and their relationships, feeling inadequate and full of shame, an abusive relationship, a “dead” relationship, fears to follow their dreams, a family situation, being a “good girl”, believing that we are unlovable, procrastination, believing we are not creative, or buying into the culture’s or family’s ideas of who we should be.

Bluebeard can look very frightening, but if we use our wits, we can outsmart him. Asking the questions of what am I afraid of? What am I not seeing? And what is my body telling me, are very good places to start confronting the predator.

Who are/have been the Bluebeards in your life?

Interested? Further reading: Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes