Protesting in Relationships

I have been reading the book Hold Me Tight, and it's help change how I see behaviors in relationships. When we act "out" by withdrawing, yelling or demanding, it's often because we do not feel connected and we are "protesting" the distance; it's actually our way of trying to be closer!

The way that I primarily protest distance in my marriage is by stonewalling (basically withdrawing either physically or emotionally). My husband usually persuades (or pursues) me to get closer again, and that usually works! In this past week though, I was able to notice myself withdrawing because I didn't feel connected (he's busy and distracted with work and I was feeling neglected). I started stonewalling, but then caught myself and moved closer to him (because that's what I really wanted!). Others protest the distance by complaining or nagging; we feel disconnected, and want to be closer so badly. We don't like feeling distant from our loved ones, and the protesting we do is actually "hard wired" into our brains; usually learned as a child. For me, my stonewalling is due to not trusting that my loved one will respond to my needs, and there were many times as child that I could not trust the adults to take care of my emotional needs. It's not our fault that we protest! We all do it in our own ways, and the behavior is all about trying to be closer and not knowing how to get there.

So how do you protest when you are not feeling close or connected? Watch what your patterns are; tell yourself that what you really want is to feel closer, more bonded. After I had withdrew from my husband this past week, I was able to let him know that I don't feel connected and that I am hurting because of it. He listened! And we have made time to be alone this weekend. And it's a win win.