Myth about Affairs

Contrary to what many of us believe, many extramarital affairs do not happen because there is something missing in our marriage/long term relationship. We are led to believe that by the media, and even as therapists we are taught that "people don't seek affairs unless they are unhappy".

As a marital therapists, I have found that this is often not the case! Partners report to me that they are happy in their relationship and often cannot identify anything that they would like to have changed. The partner who had the affair often cannot say "why" they did it, and are very confused about their own behavior.

This is the first in a series of blogs I will be writing about affairs. So what leads one party into the arms (whether physical or emotional) of another?

I have some ideas......

We all like the feeling of being "wanted" of feeling attractive and desired. The truth for most of us is that we will be attracted to others over our lifetime, and that is completely normal! It's what we do with that attraction and what we tell ourselves about it that really matters. We feel butterflies when others are attracted to us, the secretiveness of an affair causes emotions to be intensified and feel very exciting; our regular day to day relationships can't compete with that intensity (nor would we really want them too)!

But if we can accept that at times we will be attracted to others whether physically or emotionally, and not read too much into those feelings, we will greatly reduce the risk of an affair. Besides normalizing that we will be attracted to others at times, we also must KEEP THE DOOR CLOSED to an affair. Make it not an option in your mind, and recognize any warning signs that your brain is getting hooked on someone, and STAY AWAY FROM THEM. It's too dangerous of a situation to continue seeing someone that you feel attracted to.

So you keep the door shut, you recognize that it's normal to be attracted to others and different times of our lives, and you focus on your current relationship and have some fun together.

A book that I often recommend to couples who have had some issues with emotional or physical affairs is "After the Affair".

There are instances where we do have affairs because our needs are not being met in the relationship, and I will write about that more next time. But it is certainly not the norm. You can be happy or content with your partner and still be at risk of an affair if the "right" distraction shows up in your life. So make an affair "not an option" and you will protect your most important investment!