Mindful Living

My teenage children accuse me of being too nosy when I ask them questions about their lives. My adult child doesn’t consider it nosy anymore, and he says that he likes that I am so interested in his life. Part of my question asking is a way to relieve my anxiety of not knowing what is going on in their lives. I worry about them mainly if they are happy, but also that they are making healthy choices. The conversations I have with my children I never had with my parents. We talk about sex, drugs, death, politics and dating. What I am surprised with is how many kids use marijuana today- it seems to be everywhere. I don’t remember it being that common when I was in high school. The drinking and sexual activity seems to be about the same from when I was a teen. Hearing about their lives scares me but also makes me see how much they deal with and are exposed to- the Internet has opened up more information than anything I have seen/heard as an adult and they are having to integrate that infor...

I got introduced to Myers Briggs personality profiles over ten years ago, and I have been using it since then, both professionally and in my personal life. I am not one to pigeon hole people and put a lot of value on tests, but knowing who I am and who others are (particularly my family) has been very helpful for those relationships. My profile is an INFP. Introverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiver. What that means in a nutshell- I get my energy from being alone or with one or two other people, I like ideas, possibilities and the future, I relate to people from an emotional aspect, and I tend to not like structure, set schedules and can have a difficult time making decisions. My husband is very extroverted (energy comes from being with people and social interactions) and for years I tried to change him and make him more like me! It didn't work, thank goodness. I wanted him to not talk as much and to quit telling our business to everyone. As I understood personality type better,...

We put our dog Lucky down 2 days ago and it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, certainly the hardest thing our children have ever done in their short lives. Did we make the right decision? Yes. Does it hurt like hell? Yes. I feel sad, bereft, out of sorts. I want some sign that his presence lives on in some way. My kids have been so strong, and I am so impressed that they wanted to be there when we put him down even though it hurt so badly. It was their way of honoring Lucky and how much he means to them. I had said in the past that I would not be there to put him down, but I felt compelled to when the time came, and I am glad I did. I was able to try and soothe Lucky's anxiety. Goodbye Lucky. You are sorely missed.

Gambling can be a fun recreational activity. How do you know when your gambling has reached the point of abuse or addiction? I have seen many people in my therapy practice whose gambling has become a problem for themselves or their families, and there are many more people out there who do not reach out for help. Gambling problems can cause huge financial concerns, divorce, job loss and criminal activity. Gamblers may feel ashamed of their actions or feel like there is nothing wrong with their gambling habit. It's important to recognize the signs of potential concern in yourself and others. For most people, gambling is not a problem, but for a few gamblers, it leads to more and more gambling and problems in relationships. Here are some signs that gambling may be a problem for you or a loved one: 1. Do you need to gamble more and more? 2. Do you "chase your losses"? Meaning if you lose, you go gamble to try and get the money back that you lost? 3. Does your gambling cause f...

I am very fortunate to have my best friends also be my sisters. They know me so well- the good, bad and the uglies. They encourage me and also let me know when I screw up (some of the time!). We fight, we feel left out, we distance ourselves, and we make up. They know me well- probably better than my husband. I can ask them if I am being truthful with myself, and they will usually tell it straight. We have been jealous of each other- looks, relationships, jobs, smarts, body size. But fortunately, the jealousy hasn't interfered with the relationships- at least not since high school when we fought over guys. As we age, we have helped each other through: cancer (3 sisters and a niece), divorce, death, illness, crazy bosses, marriage, numerous job and financial changes, depression, anxiety and joy. Who knows what the next 40 years will bring?! Three of us live within blocks of each other, but we aren't hovering around the other's home and family life. There's space and ther...

I have been thinking about this lately, particularly with our dog, Lucky, so sick and ready to die, that my family is no longer young and I have some mixed feelings about it. Lucky has been with us for most of our 3 children's childhood, and as he fades away it seems like their childhood is fading with him. No more building tunnels in the snow with him, swimming or catching frogs at the river, cuddling up to him in bed when they are scared, or having him watch out the door for them walking home from school. Lucky has helped them weather the trials and tribulations of their childhood, and he has been the best playmate! Our youngest child is in high school, and our oldest is well out of the home (in NYC!) and I don't think he will ever be moving back in with us. He likes his independence. We still have the high school years with our daughter, drivers ed, prom, etc., but no more ice cream socials, middle school angst (this is a plus!), and having to find sitters. And our other son...

I use sarcasm and think it can be quite funny at times, especially when I poke fun at myself. I have seen sarcasm hurt though, both myself and others, and I have certainly hurt others by using sarcasm. In relationships, if we rely on sarcasm a lot, it can hurt our loved ones. Sarcasm can be funny, but you need to be careful with it. If you use sarcasm exclusively to express your feelings, it's probably not so healthy. Sometimes people use sarcasm to express how they feel because they aren't comfortable expressing how they feel directly, and practicing saying how you feel without sarcasm will be difficult at first, but better for you in the long run.

Spring is here, and boy is it wonderful here in Wisconsin. Trees are budding, daffodils and tulips are coming out the soil, sun is warm, and days are longer. We are a hardy bunch who choose to live in Wisconsin and face the long, dark, cold winters. I think those winters make the spring all the more precious. Get outside, feel the sun, soak up the vitamin D- we need it! And be happy for another year of growth!

How to get the most from therapy: You’ve made the decision to see a therapist in the hopes that some sort of change will occur (internal, external, relationships,etc). I offer the following guidelines that can help you get the most out of your therapy. - Have an idea of what goals you would like to accomplish(you and the therapist will develop them together) - Interview the therapist about your issue to get a sense if it is the “right fit”. It is very important that you feel comfortable with your therapist! - You are the expert on yourself, let the therapist know what your needs are - It’s OK to ask questions about therapy and approaches! - If you want “homework” assignments, let your therapist know, and conversely, if you dislike “homework”, just say so-it is OK! - Before a session, think about what you would like to discuss/sort through. - Keeping a journal to share with your therapist can be a very effective tool. - If you want your spouse, child, partner, etc to go to therapy wit...

Most of us have been on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior, and it can be so frustrating to deal with- maddening in fact! What exactly is passive aggressiveness? It is a pattern of behavior where the person is not direct about feelings, wants and needs, and thoughts, but expresses them indirectly. They say yes, when they really want to say no, but then later cancel for some reason, not the real reason (because they don't want to) but some other reason they come up with (reasons they often believe). Passive aggressive people "forget" to do things (they never wanted to do them in the first place, but couldn't say that), they won't tell you where they want to eat or what they want to do, but later get upset that you didn't do what they wanted. A clue that you may be dealing with passive aggressive behavior is the feeling that you don't know where a person stands/what they want, and it confuses you. You have an inkling that they may not be up...

As a therapist I bear witness to many strong emotions. Stories of grief, abandondment, unrealized dreams, deep sadness, worry, arguing, feelings of inadequacy are all visitors in the therapy office. I feel fortunate to be trusted to share the journey with my clients and I am in awe of the strengths and resilency that come forth to assist in healing. Emotions can be out guide if we allow them to be. Feelings of grief tell us about some type of loss that needs to be honored and recognized. Worry informs us about what we are afraid of. Feelings of inadequacy show us areas of ourselves that we may be too critical of. Sadness can guide us to find meaning in our lives (difficult task!). Looking at our emotions as visitors (feelings come and go) that can offer us insight and guidance can be invaluable to an examined life. Most emotions have triggers, but you must search and look deeply for what these triggers are. For example, when I start to feel anxious, I first notice the feeling i...