Dealing with passive aggessive behavior!
Most of us have been on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior, and it can be so frustrating to deal with- maddening in fact! What exactly is passive aggressiveness? It is a pattern of behavior where the person is not direct about feelings, wants and needs, and thoughts, but expresses them indirectly. They say yes, when they really want to say no, but then later cancel for some reason, not the real reason (because they don't want to) but some other reason they come up with (reasons they often believe). Passive aggressive people "forget" to do things (they never wanted to do them in the first place, but couldn't say that), they won't tell you where they want to eat or what they want to do, but later get upset that you didn't do what they wanted. A clue that you may be dealing with passive aggressive behavior is the feeling that you don't know where a person stands/what they want, and it confuses you. You have an inkling that they may not be up front, but you aren't sure. Once you identify what you are up against, its easier to deal with. People use passive aggressive behavior not be be irritating, but because deep down they feel they don't have a right to state their opinions, needs, wants or they think no one cares or will listen to them. Here are some tips to help keep your sanity when dealing with this behavior:
1. Name it, at least to yourself. One of the most frustrating aspects is not realizing what you are dealing with. Once you name the behavior, there tends to be a sense of relief.
2. Continually ask the person directly about their needs, thoughts, opinions. Keep asking until they give it to you. Do not let then off the hook- they will feel uncomfortable and try not to answer directly, but keep asking.
3. When you are given mixed signals or when a yes really means a no, point out the discrepancy in a nice way. "When I asked you to do .... you said yes, but it seems you really didn't want to do it. Is this true?". Consistently pointing out the discrepancy will force the person to be more honest over time about how they feel.
4. Try not to take this behavior personally- know where it comes from, they don't act this way on purpose, it's a coping mechanism they use to try and get their needs met.
1. Name it, at least to yourself. One of the most frustrating aspects is not realizing what you are dealing with. Once you name the behavior, there tends to be a sense of relief.
2. Continually ask the person directly about their needs, thoughts, opinions. Keep asking until they give it to you. Do not let then off the hook- they will feel uncomfortable and try not to answer directly, but keep asking.
3. When you are given mixed signals or when a yes really means a no, point out the discrepancy in a nice way. "When I asked you to do .... you said yes, but it seems you really didn't want to do it. Is this true?". Consistently pointing out the discrepancy will force the person to be more honest over time about how they feel.
4. Try not to take this behavior personally- know where it comes from, they don't act this way on purpose, it's a coping mechanism they use to try and get their needs met.
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