Mindful Living

When we are in a relationship it is inevitable that you feel angry or resentful at times- completely normal part of a relationship! And if we don't share how we feel (maybe not every instance, but often enough), our resentment of the other can build, walls come up and the distance grows between us. When in a relationship there is a balance between letting things roll off your back, and also saying what is irritating or bothering you. Letting minor irritations go is very healthy for your relationship- toilet seats, socks on the floor, the bad joke, etc. If there are patterns of behavior (irresponsibility, disrespect) that continuously bother you, best to speak up! When we don't share how we feel, our resentment builds, and a kind of "numbing" can occur. We feel little or nothing for our significant other, and we wonder if we can ever be emotionally connected again. This numbing occurs because of a long time of not feeling heard, not sharing how we feel, and the distanc...

Kettle Moraine Counseling December 2010 Newsletter Fr om the Director : We are busy at the clinic expanding again- we got the suite next door and we will more than double the size of the waiting room, and there will be a place are in the waiting room with toys for kids to play. Also we are adding two more therapy offices- we have been busy- thank you for all who are clients or who refer to us! This newsletter is about couples issues. Intimacy can be hard to achieve- we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another and to not let our wounds interfere too much. It is worth it to take risks to be close to another. I will be married for 19 years this month, and I encourage all couples to have a “state of the union” talk about the relationship at least every anniversary. Ask each other: What is working? Where are we at emotionally, physically? How much do we trust each other? What things would you like to improve? Checking in with each other often (at the minimum on your anniversa...

Ok so you are in a committed relationship but you are both stubborn and you argue a lot. Although not all arguing is bad (and can be helpful) if you find yourselves arguing a lot, it may be time to reevaluate things! Thinking that you are always right can harm your relationship. How often are things really so clear cut-an absolute right and wrong? Not that often! Many things are up to interpretation and our personal perspective. We see the world through our lens and we believe that is the "right" way, when really it is our lens of the world. If you are in a relationship (and you are stubborn) it's best to try and and see the other's point of view, and not be overly committed to how you see things. If you are willing to see that you are TEAM and you want a win win situation, the relationship becomes much easier and you become closer! You really are a team and what is best for the team may not what you think is right. If one person wins most of the time, the other ...

Kettle Moraine Counseling From the director: We got a new puppy at our house- and it’s been a lot of work, but also a lot of fun. She is very cute and also mouthy. Our vet gave her a clean bill of health today- her name is Jordyn and we are looking forward to many years with her! Things are going well at our clinic and we may be expanding again- more room for kids to play and spread out. The extra suite should open Dec. 1st or so. If you ever want a tour or look around, let me know- I love to show off our place! Deb Graf is getting training on Attachment Therapy and Eating Disorders, Layne is training on being a yoga instructor, Tricia and Julianne presented a training on students and mental health to the WB School District, Lori presented on seasonal affective disorder to a local business, and Julianne recently attended a training on divorce mediation. Busy staff! We are available for presentations/speaking on many topics- please contact Devona for information. Thanksgiving is ...

It doesn't feel very good does it? Feeling insecure at times is a universal experience, and it is really good that you can acknowledge that insecure is what you are feeling! Because that's more than half the battle- recognizing your true feelings. So often we hide feeling insecure by being angry at our significant other by accusing them of things that may or not be accurate. It is usually much easier to acknowledge being angry than it is to admit (even just to ourselves) that what is before the anger is insecurity. Our anger masks our true feelings. Because when we say we feel insecure, that means we are vulnerable. We don't really feel too vulnerable when we are angry. Being vulnerable to another is difficult. And the benefits are amazing! I have seen people go from chronic insecurity in a relationship, to having those insecure feelings almost vanish overnight by recognizing and talking about them to their partner! Now that is some powerful medicine! Does it always work th...

Music almost always lifts my mood, but it took me a while to understand this. When I am devoid of music for long periods I am not as happy- life doesn't have the depth or richness as when music is playing. I usually don't like the sappy love songs as much (although I still listen and sing to them!). Listening to Janis Ian's first album when I am down or melancholy is like a salve on a wound. She certainly understood darkness, as did the much older Simon and Garfunkel. When I am housecleaning, I need upbeat music, so I to listen to the kids artists: Beyonce, Fergie, Katie Perry, etc. The rhythms get me moving. When exercising, I listen to classic rock- Journey, Bruce, ELO, Billy Squire. Or ABBA and Bee Gees. Slow dancing with my hubby? Tony Bennet, Patsy Cline or Frank Sinatra. As embarrassing as this is to admit, but singing in the car tends to be Peter Paul and Mary or Barry Manilow! Nothing like Puff or Copacabana to belt things out by yourself. I have recently started l...

Kettle Moraine Counseling October 2010 Newsletter From the director: The leaves are turning colors and it gets chilly at night. I love the cooler air! We are walking more at night as a family and that’s been a very nice experience and good time to talk. At the clinic, our two new therapists (Deb Graf and Layne Sampson) are up and running and doing great. Tricia Schutz has expanded her hours due to high demand and it’s been nice having her around more. The play therapy room has been a hit so far with kids, and we are so happy to be able to offer that service to the community. Thank you to our clients and others who refer to us- we appreciate it and will continue to practice with integrity and skill. Who’s the Real Teacher? By Deb Graf As adults, we often focus on what we can teach children to help them function in society. I challenge us to think about the opposite: how children teach us. Youngsters bring life to our world: they teach us to have fun, enjoy th...

Telling stories can be a fun activity, but it is also good for you! When we share stories of how we grew up, our parents or extended families, we build upon the connections and it helps shape our identity. Telling stories helps us see that we are part of something much larger than ourselves. My father told a lot of stories, and I hated listening to them, but now I wished I had listened a little more closely. My children love hearing stories of my family and can be entertained for hours by them. So here is a brief, kind of funny story from my childhood: When I was about 8, I was at the local bar with my father, and he told me to drive home, which was a little over 2 miles away. I was excited, but also afraid. Being that I seldom turned down a challenge I got behind the wheel and drove us home. It was difficult to see out of the windshield because I wasn't tall enough. My father yelled a few times because I was too close to the edge of the road, but other than that I did great!...

September 2010 Newsletter Kettle Moraine Counseling We are happy to announce 2 new therapists joining us! Deb Graf (http://kettlemorainecounseling.com/Deb.htm) sees children, adolescents, adults and couples and she comes with many years of experience as a teacher. One of Deb’s specialties is working with children who have experienced trauma or have attachment issues. Layne Sampson (http://kettlemorainecounseling.com/Layne.htm) is another new therapist who is energetic, accepting of others and very skilled. She sees adolescents, adults and couples and one of her specialties is intimacy/couples issues. Layne is also working on becoming a yoga instructor! Kettle Moraine Counseling now has a play therapy room (pictures coming soon)! It’s a wonderful, safe place for children to explore, heal and express themselves. Question and Answer. I feel so stressed out and irritable all the time! What are some ways I can get a handle of this? First off, good job recognizing that something needs to c...

What is self esteem? It seems like a not so well defined word that we use a lot in daily life. I see many people who think they do not have high self esteem, and it always takes some digging to find out what that means to them. How I define self esteem is this sturdiness inside and a love for ourselves on a deep level, even with our imperfections. It's the sense that we know we are OK. The most beautiful part of knowing that we are OK is that others are OK then too- and that is very powerful for relationships and healing. Self esteem is not thinking that we are all that, or that we are better than others, but also, we are not worse than others either. Most of the time when people come off as arrogant or act like they are very special, it's a false sense of importance in order to hide wounds and feelings of inadequacies. People with high self esteem are able to admit when they are wrong because it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with them . People with good self e...

Heartbreaks hurt, but they also deepen us, if we do not shut down. Many people come to counseling due to heartbreaks, and their pain is palpable. It is not fun to have our hearts broken. And it's also a part of being human that our hearts will get broken, sometimes more than once. So what to do if your heart has been broken? Know that you are in good company- it's a universal experience. Take care of yourself- eat healthy, sleep as much as you need to, reach out for support, exercise and get outdoors. Journal your feelings. Know that the pain will lessen with time. Treat yourself gently- now is not the time to criticise or blame yourself. Then when the pain has eased some, you can look at the relationship- what did you learn from it? How did it change you? In what ways were your needs met, or not met? What patterns of behavior might you want to change? And ask yourself what is next? Do not shut down from others and experiences! It is our natural instinct and it's ...

Being cracked open like an egg, is painful. It seems we get cracked open when great pain or a great challenge comes our way. It sure doesn’t feel good, at least at first, but often it is life’s way of deepening us and opening us up to new experiences that we may have been closed off too. In my own life I had cracks and fissures start to form when I started having children and felt the deepest love, but also the deepest fear, and my walls started to crumble. I could do longer hide behind “having the answers” and thinking I was right about things. I knew I would fail my children in some ways- I couldn’t be the all perfect mother. The world seemed more frightening and dangerous. I was “cracked open” by my love for them, and became a much wiser, understanding person than I was before children. I had a client who got cracked open by a love affair a few years ago. She had shut herself off from love because she did not think she was worthy enough, but then love found her, and her life c...

I had felt ashamed of myself since a young age. My parents certainly did the best they could, but you can’t heal what you don’t name- they felt ashamed of themselves, and just passed those feelings onto their children. Shame is a negative emotion, for the most part. There are times when we should feel ashamed (such as when you call others names, deliberately hurt someone, etc), but most of us feel ashamed way to often, and it becomes a way of being, versus a passing feeling. If the shame starts to cause us to feel inherently bad about ourselves, it has taken over. It is no longer just a feeling, but has us in its grip. When we internalize the feeling that there is something wrong with us, we have problems. We all do things wrong make poor choices, say things we don’t mean, etc, but at our CORE, we are OK-worthwhile beings in our own right, who occasionally make mistakes. But when life or other people tell us otherwise, we tend to believe them, at least as children. We don’t have the fi...

I feel like I am ready to get another dog, after the death of our beloved 12 year old golden retriever Lucky in April, but the rest of my family is not ready. In fact, my husband has said that if I get a dog he will resent it- not a good way to start off with a new member to the family! I miss animal energy in the house. Feeding leftovers, taking walks and feeling protected at night. The tap tap tap of toenails on the wood floors. The unconditional love. This week I get to watch my brother’s family’s golden retriever, Ingrid, and this is our first morning together. She is old too, like Lucky was, but in much better shape physically, though she is a little chubby. She is at the cabin with me, and she is getting braver and increasing her exploring distance from me, but she also knows where I am at each moment. Her hearing is poor, but her sense of smell is working overtime- there are a lot of animals in the forest, and she is picking up on many of their scents. I want to shave her ...

Experienced, Ethical, Client-Centered Kettle Moraine Counseling August 2010 Newsletter This summer hasn’t been easy without central air conditioning! The mugginess really got to me, but as I write this newsletter, the weather is perfect- high of mid 70’s during the day and lows in the 50’s at night- very good sleeping weather. We have been trying to get the kids on a better sleeping regiment in anticipation of school starting- but it hasn’t been going too well. Thank goodness we have a few weeks yet to change these habits. Most of us as parents want to start the school year off on a good foot. Here are some tips to make that happen: 1. Start the sleep schedule a few weeks ahead of time. 2. Try and be consistent with schedules and meal times. Healthy eating and exercise can go a long way in helping us feel strong and adapt to change. 3. Make homework a priority and part of the routine. When doesn’t matter, but a routine does. As your children get older, give them more responsibility for...

My sister brought some old Time magazines to our cabin last year. I mean really old ones, dating from the late 1960’s to late 1970’s. OK, maybe that’s not REALLY old to some of us, but they are so enjoyable to read! And I can’t help to compare and contrast to our current society, and I love the similarities and differences! The contrasts are that the advertisements (mainly cars, booze and cigarettes) are not as flashy as our current ads are (and there weren’t as many ads as we have now). The old ads have a lot of words, and sometimes you have to read a paragraph to understand what they are selling! I think we had a greater attention span back then. Also, the articles are longer and more complicated- I have to focus my attention to understand what they are saying. Were we smarter then? The world sections are large and varied- in some ways we knew more about what was happening outside or our country than we do now. For the comparisons, I am relieved to say that we had large financ...

I see many people who carry wounds with them into adulthood often because they were "different" as children/teens. How difficult it is to not "fit in"? To be made fun of because of our weight, clothes, lisp, height, teeth, naivety, etc. So many times our physical features are what we are made fun of about, and it smarts. I have seen people with complexes about chest size, feet size, bone curvature, teeth- things we have absolutely no control over. I will see a beautiful person in front of me, both inside and out, but they don't see what I see. And our work begins! In some cases, we feel stronger because of the adversity- we are stronger in our beliefs and enjoy being our own person with our idiosyncrasies. And how wonderful that is when it makes us stronger inside and more OK with ourselves! Do not believe the negative things you were told about yourself! All it was, was people who were deeply wounded hurting others because they didn't know what to do about ...

I am an introvert, and I get tired of hearing from some psychological research that extroverts are healthier and happier than introverts, and that we should encourage extroversion in ourselves and our children. Are relationships important? Yes. But so is the relationship with ourselves, which is what introverts excel at. I love extroverts, and am thankfully married to one, but the idea that gets permeated that introverts are social misfits, unhappy at that, gets tiring. The myths of introversion: 1. They don't have social skills. Wrong! They just don't need to talk a lot and tend to be OK with quiet. I have good social skills, and I am introverted. I have been called stand offish at times by others, but usually that means that I am overstimulated. 2. Introverts aren't as happy as extroverts. We all need relationships, and as long as an introvert has some close relationships in their life- that is all they need to meet their social needs. They don't need the constant soc...

I witnessed a disturbing encounter last week at a grocery store “up north”. My husband and I were walking out with our groceries and a father with his younger teen children; a boy and a girl were ahead of us. The father was yelling at the son and cuffing him in the head. The father kept getting angrier and angrier, the boy listened and the girl was quietly walking behind them. In a matter of seconds, the father grabbed the son by his neck and pushed him up against the window. I froze, but my husband did not. He grabbed the father and threw him off his son and gave him some choice words about hitting minors and being a father. The father’s face went from absolute rage to surprise, and I hope, embarrassment. He quickly got out of the store and his kids followed him to the car. We were both shocked by this experience. My husband thought I was just going to allow it to happen, but in reality I froze. My guess is that if my husband wasn’t there I would’ve tried to intervene verbal...

Relationship Check Up How is your relationship doing? Answer the following questions to see where you are at! 1. Generally, do you feel loved and supported by your partner? 2. Is your intimacy satisfying for both of you in frequency and quality? 3. Are there trust issues or resentments in your relationship that have not been resolved? 4. When you fight can you usually resolve the issue and feel understood by each other? Eventually? 5. Do you enjoy spending time together? 6. What emotional needs are not being met by your partner? Which ones are? 7. What is going well in your relationship? Celebrate those things! If you think that your relationship needs some outside help, a couple’s therapist could be beneficial. Devona Marshall sees couples for many issues, including intimacy concerns, disconnect, and trust issues. She can be reached at 262.334.4340

"I built a wall and I don't know how to take it down". So many of us protect ourselves by putting walls up from our loved ones, and then we feel disconnected, unloved, no spark, and lonely. I understand walls well because I have built my fair share of them. And I know the walls keep us separated from others, and it can be so hard to trust so that our walls can come down. But in order to be close, the wall has to be penetrated. First off you must trust in yourself enough to know you can handle the wall coming down (at least part way). You must trust that you will be able to care for yourself without the wall. And know that most people do not intentionally hurt us. We are all wounded, and we trigger each other's wounds when we are in a close relationship. Acknowledge your wounding and talk about it, maybe not with your partner, but with someone else who can listen and validate the feelings. Journal it, sing it, draw it-anything that allows you to express the hur...

As a young girl I wanted to be a veterinarian, then a singer, but by high school I was stumped. Career testing was somewhat helpful, but I didn't really understand it or what it meant for me. And most importantly, I didn't have good female role models who had careers they enjoyed. I see dreams change for my children as they get older, and I think that it is a "maturing", but it makes me feel a little sad also. My oldest wanted to be a model and moved to NYC partly for the reason, but it hasn't developed as he would have liked and is now going to go back to college. My other son loves sports- and had dreams of playing professionally (whether realistic or not), but those dreams are now gone for him, and he is looking into technical school programs. I am sure this is the natural process of coming to grips with our limitations and our strengths, but I can see the disappointment in them at times and it hurts. Can these other paths they take be really good for them? Abs...

Experienced Ethical Client Centered Kettle Moraine Counseling July 2010 Newsletter The heat is on! Plants are growing- I got my first cucumber off my plant this past week, and the grape tomatoes are on the plants, but not ready for picking yet. On my bike ride, I see a lot of wild raspberries ready for picking, and I hope to make it to the strawberry patch soon- yummy strawberry shortcake. I hope you enjoy your summer- moonlit strolls, grill outs, and fireflies! Devona __________________________________________________________________________________________ Don’t over schedule your children this summer- down time is essential for imagination and play! ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Research Highlights: Is exercise the best drug for depression? June 19, 2010, TIME Magazine Despite limited data, the trials all seem to point in the same direction: Exercise boosts mood. It not only relieves depress...

Circumstances change, people change, life changes. We have failures. Our children grow up and move away. Relationships end. We have health crisis, spiritual crisis. Jobs end. Friendships grow apart. Loved ones die. And we have successes, new relationships, new better jobs, deeper spirituality, better health, babies- New Beginnings. And the circle goes round and round. We need to honor our endings and our new beginnings. It's not only healing for us but also can help with grieving and anxiety. If we don't properly acknowledge a loss that energy or emotion can get "stuck" and can prevent us from moving on or fully engaging in our new life. Processing a new beginning and what it all means and how life will change is very helpful (for all of us that have had babies- you know what I mean!) Showers, weddings, funerals and all the planning that goes with them can be great ways of recognizing and honoring the changes in our lives, especially if we do them in a very thoughtful...

I have been wound up a little tight lately and not able to relax and "be in the moment". This has been going on for a few months and it's frustrating- I like "flow" and being present. But I have worries and anxieties that are preventing this right now. This morning I was reading a blog, and the author wrote how our worries come from attachments- "suffering comes from attachments" in his exact words. It was an "aha" moment for me. I want things to be a certain way- I want the future to be a certain way, and I am very attached to the outcome I have set in my mind! Which in turn causes much worry that the future may not be what I have imagined. So I will work on knowing the future will unfold as it shall, and try not to be so attached to how I want it to be. I feel relief already.

I have personally experienced some significant endings lately and so many of the clients I see are in my office to discuss the endings in their lives. The parallels between my work and personal life never cease to amaze me! This past year I have left two long term jobs to break out on my own. I miss the people I worked with. Relationships have changed because of my leaving, and although it is natural for things to change, those chapters of my life have closed, and which relationships will survive and transform has yet to be seen. Many people come to see me due to relationship changes or endings. Such a difficult time! But I encourage them to experience the loss- look at what the ending means, how things have changed (for the good and bad), and then after the feelings have been felt, the losses acknowledged, then we can look at the new chapter that is starting and the new hope being born. The process of coming to terms with endings cannot be rushed. That is why for many people deciding ...

I have my fair amount of fears, both rational to the irrational. Some of my more rational fears are: afraid something bad will happen to my children, death, heights, and rodents (OK, maybe rodents is irrational!). I am afraid of snapping turtles (never have encountered one), the world running out of oil, ghosts, and I can be a bit of a hypochondriac. Most of us have some fears, and many of us fear similar things, particularly harm to a loved one. And I also find so many of us are afraid to show who they are and to be truly intimate in a relationship. We hide aspects of ourselves for fear of rejection. We put up walls to keep people out. We think this will protect us, but the truth is, it only keeps us lonely. We are scared because we have been hurt before, and we say we will not be hurt again. We won't trust until we know for sure we won't be hurt. But the truth is, we will get hurt again and again and again. Maybe not intentionally, but relationships involve two people who bot...

I got the pleasure to spend time this past weekend (at our cabin) with some of my nephews (and two of my children), who are all mainly teens, and what a fun experience! We sat around the campfire, talking about our first kisses, and everyone participated. I have to say my sister's answer to that question was quite interesting! We also talked extensively about drugs and let's just say, they are exposed to a lot. Way more than I ever was as a teen, and it's so much more available. I am proud of how they are all making their way through those teen years, with challenges I never had to face. But they are making THEIR way through. My sisters and I raised our children together, and that has been a huge blessing. The support we get from each other in the parenting department is invaluable. And I know they love my kids and want what's best for them. There was a lot of testostorone flowing this weekend- wrestling and seeing who was stronger. I wonder if they will ever outgrow...

I see many people who's insecurities are harming their relationships, and I have had my fair share of feeling insecure, so I know the visitor "insecurity" well. Insecurity is a visitor because for most people, we don't always feel insecure, but things trigger it, and then we tend to act out in some way, before we return to our baseline again. There tends to be two patterns of acting out our insecurities- anger or withdrawing. With anger I usually see a very strong rageful reaction that is out of proportion to the offense committed. It tends to be irrational anger and takes their partner by surprise who doesn't understand what they did wrong. Others tend to withdraw when they feel insecure- become quiet, isolate themselves, and their partners will ask them what is wrong, but they aren't usually sure themselves. The best way to handle when you feel insecure is to RECOGNIZE it! Don't hide from it, and start to see what your triggers are. Ask yourself: what i...

It's been a few weeks since we put him down and I am missing him more and more. On my walk today I saw a golden retriever outside and the sadness swept over me. I miss walking with him, going to the cabin with him, seeing how excited he always was to see me, and all of his begging for food. He was such an integral part of my life on a day to day basis that there is a large empty space there now. Lessons in grief. We picked up his ashes yesterday and they put them in nice box with his name and year of birth and death on it. It was very nicely done, but something we have been avoiding picking up. We don't know what we are going to do with the ashes, and probably won't make any decisions for a while. With time, I am more sure that we made the right decision, and probably could have done it sooner even, but we weren't ready. I also hope that with time, my pain starts to ease.

Are you and your significant other on the same page sexually? If so, great! You are some of the few! If you aren’t on the same page, here is some expert advice on how to handle those differences. Most of us have different sexual needs and wants- that’s normal and should be expected! In many relationships, sex is an important aspect, so taking care of this area of your relationship will help bring you closer together. 1. Talk, talk, talk. What frequency is good for each of you? How does it compare with your partner? Are there areas of compromise? Ask each other how you feel about your sex life- areas that are great, and areas that could improve. No blaming, just sharing information. 2. Respect each others differences. Do not make yourself “right” and your partner “wrong”. There isn’t a right or wrong with sexual differences, just areas that need to be looked at and compromises reached when able. 3. If your partner asks you to do something you are not comfortable with. Ex...

My teenage children accuse me of being too nosy when I ask them questions about their lives. My adult child doesn’t consider it nosy anymore, and he says that he likes that I am so interested in his life. Part of my question asking is a way to relieve my anxiety of not knowing what is going on in their lives. I worry about them mainly if they are happy, but also that they are making healthy choices. The conversations I have with my children I never had with my parents. We talk about sex, drugs, death, politics and dating. What I am surprised with is how many kids use marijuana today- it seems to be everywhere. I don’t remember it being that common when I was in high school. The drinking and sexual activity seems to be about the same from when I was a teen. Hearing about their lives scares me but also makes me see how much they deal with and are exposed to- the Internet has opened up more information than anything I have seen/heard as an adult and they are having to integrate that infor...

I got introduced to Myers Briggs personality profiles over ten years ago, and I have been using it since then, both professionally and in my personal life. I am not one to pigeon hole people and put a lot of value on tests, but knowing who I am and who others are (particularly my family) has been very helpful for those relationships. My profile is an INFP. Introverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiver. What that means in a nutshell- I get my energy from being alone or with one or two other people, I like ideas, possibilities and the future, I relate to people from an emotional aspect, and I tend to not like structure, set schedules and can have a difficult time making decisions. My husband is very extroverted (energy comes from being with people and social interactions) and for years I tried to change him and make him more like me! It didn't work, thank goodness. I wanted him to not talk as much and to quit telling our business to everyone. As I understood personality type better,...

We put our dog Lucky down 2 days ago and it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, certainly the hardest thing our children have ever done in their short lives. Did we make the right decision? Yes. Does it hurt like hell? Yes. I feel sad, bereft, out of sorts. I want some sign that his presence lives on in some way. My kids have been so strong, and I am so impressed that they wanted to be there when we put him down even though it hurt so badly. It was their way of honoring Lucky and how much he means to them. I had said in the past that I would not be there to put him down, but I felt compelled to when the time came, and I am glad I did. I was able to try and soothe Lucky's anxiety. Goodbye Lucky. You are sorely missed.

Gambling can be a fun recreational activity. How do you know when your gambling has reached the point of abuse or addiction? I have seen many people in my therapy practice whose gambling has become a problem for themselves or their families, and there are many more people out there who do not reach out for help. Gambling problems can cause huge financial concerns, divorce, job loss and criminal activity. Gamblers may feel ashamed of their actions or feel like there is nothing wrong with their gambling habit. It's important to recognize the signs of potential concern in yourself and others. For most people, gambling is not a problem, but for a few gamblers, it leads to more and more gambling and problems in relationships. Here are some signs that gambling may be a problem for you or a loved one: 1. Do you need to gamble more and more? 2. Do you "chase your losses"? Meaning if you lose, you go gamble to try and get the money back that you lost? 3. Does your gambling cause f...

I am very fortunate to have my best friends also be my sisters. They know me so well- the good, bad and the uglies. They encourage me and also let me know when I screw up (some of the time!). We fight, we feel left out, we distance ourselves, and we make up. They know me well- probably better than my husband. I can ask them if I am being truthful with myself, and they will usually tell it straight. We have been jealous of each other- looks, relationships, jobs, smarts, body size. But fortunately, the jealousy hasn't interfered with the relationships- at least not since high school when we fought over guys. As we age, we have helped each other through: cancer (3 sisters and a niece), divorce, death, illness, crazy bosses, marriage, numerous job and financial changes, depression, anxiety and joy. Who knows what the next 40 years will bring?! Three of us live within blocks of each other, but we aren't hovering around the other's home and family life. There's space and ther...

I have been thinking about this lately, particularly with our dog, Lucky, so sick and ready to die, that my family is no longer young and I have some mixed feelings about it. Lucky has been with us for most of our 3 children's childhood, and as he fades away it seems like their childhood is fading with him. No more building tunnels in the snow with him, swimming or catching frogs at the river, cuddling up to him in bed when they are scared, or having him watch out the door for them walking home from school. Lucky has helped them weather the trials and tribulations of their childhood, and he has been the best playmate! Our youngest child is in high school, and our oldest is well out of the home (in NYC!) and I don't think he will ever be moving back in with us. He likes his independence. We still have the high school years with our daughter, drivers ed, prom, etc., but no more ice cream socials, middle school angst (this is a plus!), and having to find sitters. And our other son...

I use sarcasm and think it can be quite funny at times, especially when I poke fun at myself. I have seen sarcasm hurt though, both myself and others, and I have certainly hurt others by using sarcasm. In relationships, if we rely on sarcasm a lot, it can hurt our loved ones. Sarcasm can be funny, but you need to be careful with it. If you use sarcasm exclusively to express your feelings, it's probably not so healthy. Sometimes people use sarcasm to express how they feel because they aren't comfortable expressing how they feel directly, and practicing saying how you feel without sarcasm will be difficult at first, but better for you in the long run.

Spring is here, and boy is it wonderful here in Wisconsin. Trees are budding, daffodils and tulips are coming out the soil, sun is warm, and days are longer. We are a hardy bunch who choose to live in Wisconsin and face the long, dark, cold winters. I think those winters make the spring all the more precious. Get outside, feel the sun, soak up the vitamin D- we need it! And be happy for another year of growth!

How to get the most from therapy: You’ve made the decision to see a therapist in the hopes that some sort of change will occur (internal, external, relationships,etc). I offer the following guidelines that can help you get the most out of your therapy. - Have an idea of what goals you would like to accomplish(you and the therapist will develop them together) - Interview the therapist about your issue to get a sense if it is the “right fit”. It is very important that you feel comfortable with your therapist! - You are the expert on yourself, let the therapist know what your needs are - It’s OK to ask questions about therapy and approaches! - If you want “homework” assignments, let your therapist know, and conversely, if you dislike “homework”, just say so-it is OK! - Before a session, think about what you would like to discuss/sort through. - Keeping a journal to share with your therapist can be a very effective tool. - If you want your spouse, child, partner, etc to go to therapy wit...

Most of us have been on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior, and it can be so frustrating to deal with- maddening in fact! What exactly is passive aggressiveness? It is a pattern of behavior where the person is not direct about feelings, wants and needs, and thoughts, but expresses them indirectly. They say yes, when they really want to say no, but then later cancel for some reason, not the real reason (because they don't want to) but some other reason they come up with (reasons they often believe). Passive aggressive people "forget" to do things (they never wanted to do them in the first place, but couldn't say that), they won't tell you where they want to eat or what they want to do, but later get upset that you didn't do what they wanted. A clue that you may be dealing with passive aggressive behavior is the feeling that you don't know where a person stands/what they want, and it confuses you. You have an inkling that they may not be up...

As a therapist I bear witness to many strong emotions. Stories of grief, abandondment, unrealized dreams, deep sadness, worry, arguing, feelings of inadequacy are all visitors in the therapy office. I feel fortunate to be trusted to share the journey with my clients and I am in awe of the strengths and resilency that come forth to assist in healing. Emotions can be out guide if we allow them to be. Feelings of grief tell us about some type of loss that needs to be honored and recognized. Worry informs us about what we are afraid of. Feelings of inadequacy show us areas of ourselves that we may be too critical of. Sadness can guide us to find meaning in our lives (difficult task!). Looking at our emotions as visitors (feelings come and go) that can offer us insight and guidance can be invaluable to an examined life. Most emotions have triggers, but you must search and look deeply for what these triggers are. For example, when I start to feel anxious, I first notice the feeling i...

We are heading to Costa Rica as a family from April 1st to April 8th. 3 nights at the beach and then 2 nights in the mountains. Besides Tijuana (awful!) and Canada, this will be the kids first time out of the country. We have experienced a lot of personal and family challenges the past few months and I hope this trip helps us to reconnect and feel joy. In April my son and husband are having surgery. Decisions will need to be made about Lucky soon. But right now, all is OK. I have family members who have my back big time, and I get to show my husband and kids Costa Rica. One breath at a time, one day at a time. Tomorrow will take care of itself.